Written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

image for Simon Cowell Leaving American Idol for Priesthood
This Choir Doesn't stand a chance in Hell against Fr. Cowell

Shocking American Idol fans and entertainment industry executives alike, Simon Cowell has announced that he will be leaving the lucrative television franchise, as well as his other music industry ventures to become a Catholic Priest.

In a brief press conference, Cowell avoided questions about motives behind the epic change in lifestyle, but insiders suggested that it had everything to do with Cowell wanting to make a difference in the world.

"He thought by being brutally honest with no-talent choir singers, he was somehow setting them along the right path to a different, more productive future." Says Cowell's personal assistant, Ada Baskitkaze. "His rejection only strengthened their resolve, making them sing louder but still off-key".

"Once a guy like William Hung gets a record deal, whose voice by the way sounds like a cat fighting with a raccoon, I knew it was time to look for a way out and find another way to add value to society", Cowell said back in 2007.

The Pope apparently heard those comments and started negotiations with Cowell to make the shift to the priesthood. While the Pope hopes that Cowell's notoriety will help draw people to the faith, he also plans to task Cowell with beefing up church choirs around the world, that is, without scaring good parishioners away in the process.

"We do think he will be a bit too stern during confession as well, and we're coaching him with that", says Cowell's mentor, Bishop Guido Sarducci. "During one test confessional, Father Simon assigned penance of 5000 Our Father prayers while yelling at the young lad to STOP WANKING".

Father Simon's role as a musical consulting priest begins in 2010, with a first stop slated to be St. Anne's Catholic Church in London. "Horribly unsatisfactory choir voices in that ensemble", commented Fr. Cowell. "But fresh auditions should help".

Lines have already started to form around the block and down the street from St. Annes.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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