Tiger "Cyber Girl" Loredana Jolie Says All She Wants For Christmas Is $2 Million!

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 16 December 2009


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"La Loredana Pizza " which was named after Loredana Jolie and contains 19 different ingredients.

NEW YORK CITY - Loredana Jolie is the first member of Tiger Woods "Scorecard Cutey Club" who is not from the United States.

The beautiful blonde is originally from Sicily. She first came to the U.S. as a young teen. Back in Italy, her family owned a pizza factory in the little town of Montedoro.

Jolie worked in her father's pizza factory during her middle school years. Loredana was the 'pepperoni girl.' Her job was to put 27 slices of pepperoni on each pizza.

Loredana says that she got so good that she could do her job while reading Cosmopolitan Italia Magazine.

When her family first came over to America her father Funzie went to work shredding Parmesan at The Pizzeria Pizzacalatoni in Brooklyn. He soon got promoted to anchovy supervisor. And from there he quickly moved up to salad bar director.

Loredada attended Pocahontas high school during the day and at night she would work as the restaurant's accordionist. She was extremely talented and knew over 800 songs including the most popular accordion song of all-time, "Lady Of Spain."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The restaurant's manager, Danny "Boy" Nightshade soon convinced Loredana to drop the accordion and take up the tambourine. Pizza sales immediately tripled.]

It was not long before Loredana had ditched the traditional Sicilian folk dress and started performing in Daisy Duke short shorts. Pizza sales tripled again.

One evening Loredana was spotted by a customer who happened to be the editor of PlayMister Magazine.

He convinced her to fly out to Los Angeles for a photo shoot. He told her that he would set her up in the best hotel in L.A., provide her with a rental car, and give her a $200 per day meal allowance.

Loredana agreed to fly out to California. She was introduced to famed photographer Rocco Bootsinger who took over 600 photos in various stages of eroticism and basic nakedness.

The title of her layout piece was "The Scrumptious Sicilian Pepperoni Girl." That particular issue outsold the previous highest selling edition by two to one.

It was during a promotional tour up at Pebble Beach that Lo, as her sister called her, first met Tiger Wood. He asked her to sign his copy of PlayMister and in the process attained her phone number.

The two became good friends. Tiger gave her golf lessons and Loredana gave him lessons on how to properly make pepperoni pizza.

Lo began appearing in various publications and was soon named The Cyber Girl of California. It was at that time that Tiger convinced her to get a tattoo of a golf tee on her (blank).

In related news. Loredana Jolie has stated through her attorney, Heidi Patagonia, that she will gladly settle her lawsuit out of court for $2 million before Christmas, or $2.2 million after Christmas.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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