Twilight Star Robert Pattinson Acts Fast To Dispel Malicious Rumours

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Saturday, 28 November 2009


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Pattinson: I Did Not Make Sexual Advances Towards This Woman

"I have never expressed a desire to marry Susan Boyle, or Kristen Stewart, or anybody else for that matter," Brit actor and star of the 'Twilight' movies, Robert Pattinson today told a packed Press Corps in New York City's Hotel Abstinence. On Lexington Avenue.

Pattinson reported to newsmen that he was getting sick and tired of the whole fame engendered merry go round. Many independent reporters expressed sympathy, saying that the publication of scurrilous allegations was self defeating.

"This whole thing is getting totally out of hand," Pattinson - who plays Edward the vampire in the Twilight movies - told us exclusively. "The press are off their rockers. I've never even met Susan Boyle, yet some reports suggest I'm on the verge of marrying her. From what I can gather, the woman has the voice of an angel, but the physiognomy of an Alaskan moose. No offence. I wouldn't want to marry that. These rumours really are dreadfully embarrassing."

Commenting further on reports linking him romantically with Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart, Pattinson told us:

"That's just a joke. Kristen and I are friends, but I'm not about to marry her. She looks about twelve years old for God's sake. This thing is getting totally out of hand. One British newspaper had me declaring my undying love for Baroness Thatcher, on the one hand, and being spotted clubbing with Joanna Lumley and Dame Helen Mirren on the other. I honestly have no idea where the press get this shit from."

Co-Star Kristen Stewart told us:

"Robert and I are just good friends. When I started getting sexually explicit eMails from some creep named 'Glitter' Robert was a tower of strength. We're just good friends. That's all there is to it."

So there you have it dear reader. Boring and mundane as it may be, it's the real bottom line.

More as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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