Susan Boyle Rushed To The Hospital After Accidentally Biting Her Own Thumb

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 27 November 2009

image for Susan Boyle Rushed To The Hospital After Accidentally Biting Her Own Thumb
The St. Appleseed Hospital ambulance that transported Susan Boyle to the hospital.

NEW YORK CITY - Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle was rushed to New York's St. Johnny Appleseed Hospital suffering from a semi-severe thumb bite which witnesses say she accidentally inflicted upon herself.

Ms. Boyle was having lunch at the trendy Cafe Jose Ole with several members of the media as well as some very wealthy fans who had each paid $2,000 for the honor of having lunch with the world famous SuBo.

Susan had just taken a bite out of her T-Bone Taco when the fan who was sitting next to her Karen Dixiedew, remarked that all of a sudden Susan started getting what she described as palpitating pulsations, trembling throbs, and the dreaded female groin hot flashes.

Dixiedew asked Ms. Boyle if she was okay. And Boyle yelled out that of course she wasn't. She pointed towards her thighs and said that they were quivering like a 6.7 California quake.

Boyle then said that she had accidentally bitten her thumb. SuBo then started grasping for air and was having trouble breathing.

A reporter for The New York Gazing Gazette Jonas Elmendorf screamed out that he needed for someone to give Ms. Boyle some mouth-to-mouth. The crowd around her looked at each other. Whispers of not me, not me, could vaguely be heard echoing throughout the crowded eatery.

Finally, one of the waiters hurried in with a homeless person that he had seen standing outside the restaurant's entrance.

The man who was identified simply as "Ripple" Rick bent down to give Boyle mouth-to-mouth and she slapped him. He fell back and asked her what the friggin crap was wrong with her.

She yelled back that he smelled highly of wine. Rick shot back that he was a damn freakin wino and that she was lucky that he did not mind putting his lips on the lips of a rather fattish, not exactly Heidi Klumish-looking older woman with a shitty attitude.

Boyle apologized and asked him to go on then and give her the mouth-to-mouth that she needed in order to keep from fainting and making a complete horse's ass of herself.

"Ripple" Rick shook his head and told her to give herself mouth-to-mouth cause he had to get back to his homeless station and make some money to buy Christmas presents for himself.

Ms. Boyle became so flustered at the homeless man's audacity that she started cussing in Scottish.

The Maitre D' called 911 and soon an ambulance arrived and Susan Boyle was transported to St. Johnny Appleseed Hospital.

A hospital spokesperson said that Ms. Boyle is resting comfortably and the seven stitches should come out in about two weeks.

The official word on Ms. Boyle's self-inflicted thumb bite is that she cut her thumb when she accidentally dropped an ice pick and tried to catch it before it hit the floor.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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