Written by Mark Mywords

Thursday, 3 September 2009

image for Jamie Oliver's "Talking Bollocks"
"I'll Cook My Own Nuts, Thanks Very Much!"

Jamie Oliver's most recent television 'serving' has hardly had time to warm the plate ('Jamie's American Road-kill Trip'), but already his next money-spinning project is well under way and heading for the oven door. And if the prospect of seeing South Yorkshire people made you squirm, you'd better keep your legs tight shut for this one!

It was during the course of filming 'American Road-kill Trip' that Jamie hit on the idea. In his genial, Cockney, verbally challenged way, Jamie explained the story. "We wath vithiting a primary thchool in a ghetto in Compton, LA, trying to teach the little thodth all about good food and that, when a group of theven year oldth carrying an athortment of flick kniveth, macheteth and water pithtolth came up to me and thaid 'Yo, mutha-f**ker! Get yo mutha-f**king bitch ath outta thith hood before we thlice yo bitch-ath mutha-f**king ballth off and put 'em on a mutha-f**king plate, mutha-f**ker!' A bit later, ath we wath running away, I had the idea for 'Jamie'th Talking Bollockth', a programme looking at the pothibilitieth of uthing a variety of bollockth in rethipieth."

Loosely translated, Jamie decided to make a programme showing the variety of uses of testicles in cultural dishes from around the world. And, as we discovered, Jamie doesn't just THINK he's the dog's bollocks any more; he actually COOKS them!

A major television network appear to be supporting the idea. A spokesperson said "Jamie's talked plenty of bollocks in his career; this is probably right up his back-alley."

During the course of an interview, Jamie told me that the first programme will focus on such culinary delicacies as the Chinese speciality 'Hung Lo', consisting of lightly fried panda's plums in a delicious sweet and sour sauce. "Only thing about thith dish," warned Jamie, "ith that you godda make sure you get all the bleedin' fur off the nadgers before you fry 'em, otherwise you're likely gonna cough up a f**king hairball while you're noshing your pud'."

Another speciality under the spotlight comes, quite literally, from the Indian sub-continent, where the love sac's of a mongoose are not only considered a delicacy, but indeed a sacred aphrodisiac. The programme will show you not only how to locate and detach the creature's ballbags WITHOUT losing every one your fingers and four pints of blood, but also how to blend garam masala, turmeric powder and a dash of cinnamon to make a tasty treat.

"Pukka-knacker-tukka!" said Oliver, drooling.

For those who prefer a more English version of what is likely to become known as 'Oliver's Bollocks Cuisine', Jamie has discovered a more traditional dish.

"I call it 'Cods and Chipth'," he says, with a cheeky grin, "although it ain't nuffink like wot your mum used to buy down the chippy!"

This traditional Devon recipe utilises the danglers of mature and preferably sexually obsessed Springer Spaniels, which are then beer battered and served with curly fries. Alternatively, Oliver explained, these particular little love spuds can be boiled in a pan ("mutht be Tefal" joked Jamie) for twenty minutes, rubbed with a knob, (usually butter), given a quick prick, and wanged in the oven (regulo 7) for a further twenty minutes, creating a perfect accompaniment to any seafood dish.

Jamie also revealed that should the cuisine proves popular, he will be opening a chain of takeaway outlets, to be named 'Go-Nads', which will aim to provide some of the more popular dishes for home consumption. All packaging will carry the obligatory warning "May Contain Nuts".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Jamie Oliver




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