A man's parents today publicly apologised for giving him a stupid name. Mr and Mrs Oliver apologised to their son, Jamie for making his life a misery. "If we had only known that the name Jamie Oliver was going to make people so sick we would never have done it" said Mr Oliver, "I regret the decision every day of my life."
The name Jamie Oliver has caused considerable reaction. Some laugh out loud. Others begin to feel sick and faint. Others become aggressive and want to punch the little bastard in the face.
The warning is quite clear. Parents should not give their children bloody silly names. Bob Gandalf, saviour of the starving, has admitted that he failed in this department. "I can't fuckin' remember me kids fuckin' names. Fifi Twitty Thing and Peaches And Cream. Fuck it. It just fuckin' useless."
Mr and Mrs Oliver hope that they can recover at the Anthony Worrell Thompson Home For Stressed Parents. For Jamie, a life of misery has led to playing with sharp knives. Psychologists warn that he may take it out on his own kids. Dr Gordon Ramsey of the Fake Footballer Research Institute said "I can use more fucking swear words than that fucking bastard fucking Gandalf. Fuck it."
Peaches (creamed on by her boyfriend)
Roasted Poppy (by some footballers)
Recriminations to follow.