Jesus slams his "dead-beat dad" GOD on Rikki Lake Show

Funny story written by Jesus Budda

Tuesday, 8 January 2008

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Jesus has been driven to a life of drink and drug dependence by his deadbeat dad's absense

A pre-recorded episode of the often controversial Rikki Lake Show featuring Jesus Christ confronting God is due to air early next week.

Entitled "Dead Beat Dad: You Never Loved Me", the programme shows a shocked Jesus revealing all to the American public about his private life.

"Jesus, really lets all his feelings out", said one insider, "He especially gives his dad, God, hell".

Jesus tells Rikki how his father "neglected him" throughout his childhood and during the final hours of his life. He tells how his 'Dad' let his cousin, John The Baptist, be decapitated instead of sending a plague of locusts to his aid.

"Jesus was real bitter about that. John was one of his best drinking buddies", said the indsider, " God used the old Locusts trick before for his own pals but not for Johnny-Boy, oh no".

Then a shadow appears behind a door and out walks God, cussin' and waving his fists at his son. He looked a bit like Grizzly Adams on crystal-mesh. He had a tiny squeeze box accordian which he keep playing to himself when he thought nobody was looking. Dirty-looking bastard.

"God was pissed off", said the insider, "but Jesus gave as good as he got. He told how God had abandoned him as a child and how he had to grow up with his stepfather - some carpenter dude - and the Virgin Mary. God joked that Mary wasn't a virgin the last time he saw her and winked at the audience. They started whoopin' and hollerin'".

"He said God didn't even turn up when he was being crucified on the cross. He was real bitter about that".

But Rikki had another shock in store. Hidden behind another door was Jesus' own former college sweetheart, Mary Magdalene.

"Jesus was as suprised as anyone. Here he was playing the blame game when all of a sudden he's confronted by his own dirty past."

"Mary Magdalene said she had a baby - his name was Kevin - and that Jesus was the father. Jesus flipped out, called her a whore and a lier".

Rikki had to break up the fight with the help of some stage hands. Then Rikki asked Jesus if he would take the paternity test. Jesus refused and went into a sulk.

"Half the crowd we're pro-Jesus. There were 12 guys with beards and robes shouting the loudest. They had to be calmed down with some loaves and fishes which were handed out by the floor manager."

Before the show's conclusion, Jesus and God agreed to get some counselling from Rikki's Boot Camp Marines.

"I've got a funny feeling those two guys are gonna be lovin' each other before the weeks out", smiled the insider, "boot camp always brings people together".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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