CHICAGO - (Spoof News) - According to the Chicago Daily Wind Newspaper, the Windy City is blowing up with all kinds of shenanigans!
Hooligans and delinquents are now resorting to spraying graffiti on fast-food restaurants, massage parlors, pigeons' nests, and even some Chicago Police Department buildings. It's gotten so bad that the sound of gunshots can be heard every 17 seconds after midnight.
The violence is so out of control that even downtown Chicago pole dancers are taking drastic measures to protect themselves, including wearing bulletproof vests and nipple body armor to avoid disfigured areolas.
Daily Wind reporter Wyatt St. Yuma claims that these heathens are getting support from none other than Al-Qaeda and the Taliban.
One known terrorist, Sham Sol Sucrets, allegedly purchased 20 cans of bright pink spray paint and distributed them to a group of 13 and 14-year-old vandals.
One of these vandals, who goes by the name "Dicky the Dick," told St. Yuma that the Taliban had promised him a sexy Chicago streetwalker in exchange for vandalizing Chicago Fire Department trucks, Chicago Police Department motorcycles, and even Cool Coolie Ice Cream trucks.
It's clear that these miscreants will stop at nothing to wreak havoc in the Windy City. The question is, will anyone be able to put an end to their madness?
