The Material Girl Gone Plastic

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Wednesday, 11 January 2023

image for The Material Girl Gone Plastic
Don't Look Directly At It or You'll Turn to Stone!

What have you bastards done with Madonna? She was just here a minute ago. I remember the 80s (title of my upcoming tell-all bio) and Madonna’s tiny little moustache – where’d it go?! I love that moustache. I think you can kinda still see it on the cover of her ‘Like A Virgin” album, right next to the mole.

Now, some kind of butcher (possibly Brazilian, since they love plastic surgery down there so much they give it to their 10 year old daughters) has mangled Madonna’s face! Look at that hideous monster from beyond the moon! Or is it a Morlock or a C.H.U.D.? Maybe she’s Medusa and you shouldn’t look directly at her? Madonna’s turned into a Greek myth before our collective eyes – it’s magic – hideous magic!

What is beauty? Ah, an old question once pondered by Socrates himself while he was squatting in the dirt taking a shit while checking out the fresh meat at the All-Boys Boarding Academy. No one has truly found an answer. Not even John Keats and his “Beauty is truth” bullshit – what does that mean, poet boy? Death to all poets! Especially the ones who have had work done.

Please, for the love of Satan, ladies, grow old gracefully. Your narcissism will backfire and you’ll end up looking like an Oompa-Loompa! Are you doing this to look “good” for men or other women? You get wrinkles – so what, everybody does – but only those with money can afford to stretch their skin like a balloon until it looks like the slightest prick will pop it.

Pop goes the Madonna.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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