SEATTLE – (Satire News) – The Seattle Police Department reports that they were called to a local Lollygag Supermarket on one of the strangest calls they have ever received.
SPD officers Dwayne Floor (Badge #209903) and Teddy Tellavino (Badge #434166) said that when they arrived at the store, they saw a crazed woman in checkout aisle #13 in the process of boinking a loaf of French bread.
The two officers went up to the woman and told her to drop the loaf immediately.
The woman, who has since been identified as Betty Bertha Flickflux, 32, refused.
At that point officer Floor had no choice but to tase her in her groin region. Flickflux began hooting and hollering like a crazed Boston banshee.
She immediately dropped the French loaf, but then started to run towards the two officers, who instinctively took out their police-issued pistols and fired a warning shot each into the air.
The bread molester still did not stop charging the two officers. at that point officer Tellavino picked up a can of #2 green beans, that was on the checkout counter, and he threw at the food pervert's head, in a toss that would make Nolan Ryan proud.
By then backup arrived and between the seven officers, they were able to subdue the perp, who was now laying on the floor completely naked.
Meanwhile the store announcer kept yelling over the store's PA system for the Lollylag shoppers to please avert the eyes of their children as the site was not a pretty one.
SIDENOTE: Betty Bertha Flickflux was arrested, taken into custody, had her fingers and crotch fingerprinted, and now sits in the Seattle Police Department Jail on a $900,000 bond.