MANHATTAN – (Satire News) – Hearsay Today reporter Abby Yukon has broken the story that the former first, first daughter has spiraled down into an abysmal, nervosa state of ipso factocrapalitis.
New York City shock jock, Howard Stern, who at one time thought that Ivanka was the hottest, sexiest, piece-of-you-what, now says that she has morphed into that ugly-ass, dishwater blonde bitch, she-devil Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Stern said he recently saw "Ivy," as the congressional pervert Matt Gaetz, calls Ivanka, standing in line at a McDonalds in Queens, and he noticed that her ass was lopsided, her calves were covered with varicose veins, and her crotch region was making some positively scary noises.
At first Howie, as the New York City Rockettes call him, thought that it was maybe his stomach grumbling, since he hadn’t eaten anything in 7 hours and 25 minutes.
He noted that 39-year-old Ivanka, the woman that Donald Jonathan Trump fantasizes about more than any other woman, including Hope Hicks, Stormy Daniels, and hip hop artist Lil Yo Sista Gurl, now looks like she's about 69.
Stern said that Ivanka’s crow's feet now have crow's feet, and he heard from info guru Andy Cohen that she recently had her “I Love DJT” tattoo lasered off of her cellulitesque ass.
SIDENOTE: Trump family physician Dr. Yang Fu Fi, has confirmed that yes, in fact, Ivanka has shaved off her landing strip, and strangely she is selling the pubes on eBay.