MUFFLER SMOKE, Michigan – (Satire News) – A retired FedEx driver says that he's going to have to seek professional help due to the fact that he is cheating on Alexa with Siri.
Dennis Schnozzle, 81, says that, since recently retiring after a 30-year career in which he drove over 7 million miles, he has become astoundingly bored.
He said he has a leg condition, where his knees suddenly swell up to the size of bowling balls, and, as a result, he cannot leave the house.
Dennis says that, last October, he bought the Amazon Alexa intelligent personal assistant. At first, he just used her to play 1950’s songs by the Everly Brothers, Fats Domino, Chubby Checker, Little Richard, and Big Richard.
Then, for the sheer heck of it, he began asking her what the temperature was in far off places like Oslo, Norway and Lima, Peru.
Well, one thing led to another, and, before long, he found himself carrying on a one-sided affair with Alexa, that eventually progressed to the 3rd base fantasy stage.
Then, one day when Alexa was having an overhaul, and was out of commission, he began conversing with Siri.
He found Siri’s voice to be very feminine and very sultry, and so he began carrying on a fantasy affair with her.
So Dennis is now very confused, because he told his mother, Maxine, who is 98, that he feels guilty for cheating on Alexa with Siri.
His mom told him that he needs to get off the vodka, quit using the recreational drugs, and go to Amazon.com, and buy himself one of those gorgeously sexy, lifelike Japanese robot dolls.