HOLLYWOOD – (Satire News) – Executives with five major movie theater groups in the United States are stressed-out over the fact that no one is going out to movie theaters.
The Herculean 14-Movie Theater Complex, in Cleveland, reported that, last week, each one of the 14 movie screens only averaged 7 people per day.
The complex manager stated that he actually had more employees than movie-goers.
He said that he has talked to other movie theater managers throughout America, and they are going to have to make some changes to bring in customers.
One suggestion is that that they hire a dancer to give moviegoers a free lap dance while they wait for the movie to start.
Another idea is to give away CDs of The Trumpapalooza Ass-Kickin’ Band with every purchase of a large popcorn.
And yet another idea is to double the wieners in a hot dog, and make it a "2 Doggies For The Price of One" promotion.
In a non-related story, iRumors is reporting that Fox News hosts Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson may be getting fired.