After first reporting on this four months ago, Brian Asshat, a local womaniser from Chutney on the Fritz, still hasn't picked up his banjo.
The comb-over sporting ladies man has owned the banjo, a four-string model, for the best part of forty years, and felt that learning it in his youth might have made him the perfect talking point for the movers and shakers on the river Fritz's lively folk, blues and tea-dance circuit.
'I had it all planned out. Mavis and Gladys would see me, playing around with my G-string, and think 'hat is the man for me!', but no, he just sits there mocking me.'
Yes, you are right, Brian is the type of man who thinks that inanimate objects have it in for him.