Millennial Film Review: Mel Gibson's Sequel to the Passion of the Christ

Funny story written by G. Brookings

Tuesday, 22 September 2020

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Jesus setting fire to a cop car in the ew Mel Gibson sequel

The New York Post reports that Mel Gibson has begun work on a sequel to his blockbuster film, “The Passion of the Christ”, which, for those unfamiliar with the Bible, tells the story of a carpenter from Galilee and twelve homeless men who follow him around. Spoiler alert, the carpenter, whose name is Jesus, turns out, in a twist, to be the son of God, not Joseph, his mother’s husband. And later, after angering the authorities with his accusations about taxes and whatnot, Jesus is betrayed by his people, the Jews, to the Romans, and ultimately, crucified. In the last act, he rises miraculously from the dead, a deus-ex-machina to be sure, but nicely rendered by Mr. Gibson, despite all the possibly unnecessary plot complications. (Like, who are the Romans, anyway?)

The sequel will reportedly pick up the story with the prophesied Second Coming of Jesus, who does not appear as a carpenter this time, but, to put it in terms modern film buffs will understand, more like a superhero, transformed by his death in the previous film and given superpowers. To punish inequality, racism and capitalism, Jesus ushers in a global apocalypse, loosing demons from hell—or it may be Portland, its hard to say—and instructs them to set everything on fire in order to rout out and destroy all that evil. You can guess the rest. Everything pretty much sucks and falls apart, and we get to see the worst of human nature on bloody display.

According to informed sources, the filmed scenes will consist almost entirely of real news clips from CNN, MSNBC and FOX, and feature spectacular natural disasters, colorful riots, rising seas, and a globe-spanning plague as predicted by the Book of Revelation. Donald Trump is, of course, nicely cast as the orange anti-Christ. Joining him in cameo appearances, Vladimir Putin (as Conquest), President Xi (as Pestilence), Kim Jong Un (as War) and Dr. Fauci (as Death), will star as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. In one of the many subplots used to convey the extent to which evil has gained power and prestige in the world, Justices Amy Conan Barrett and Brett Kavanaugh are discovered colluding (about something) and are peacefully burned at the stake in an emotionally satisfying demonstration of justice at work.

Needless to say, it is not a romantic comedy, and its run in theatres may be brief if the world around most urban venues continues to erupt in flames. See it if you can.

For anyone over 65, the film will carry an X-Rating, requiring the company of a millennial or younger in order to gain admission.

In a first (and maybe a last), helpful emoticon subtitles will be provided for those unable to make sense of speeches exceeding 140 characters.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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