World's Largest Turnip To Enter Eurovision Song Contest...

Funny story written by Scooter Nairns

Thursday, 17 September 2020

image for World's Largest Turnip To Enter Eurovision Song Contest...
Swede dreams are made of these...

A giant turnip that has grown to over 4 feet in diameter, has shocked its owner, Craig Niven, not because of its size, but because of its amazing singing qualities.

Farmer Craig told of the moment that he went to dig-up the massive veg so he could take it to the local fete, to see if he'd win the prize for most deformed vegetable.

"It shrieked loudly, then burst into the ballad of 'Please Release Me Let Me Go'. I was shocked, because it sounded just like Gene Pitney! I just thought, that's a turnip for the book. I ended up sitting in the field, talking to it for about 4 hours, and listening to the huge repertoire of songs it has, my personal favourite being 'Take A Chance On Me' from Abba. I certainly intended doing just that, and I pulled it up with some help from my family. We cleaned it up, and immediately took it on a tour of the pubs and clubs around the Stirling area. There's never been this much interest in a singer since Susan Boyle's famous taxi-rank incident where she broke the suspension of a taxi after she was flung out of The Fubar for drink-surfing around the club."

Craig's wife, Sheila, added, "They were all mightily impressed, except the pub landlord of the Cambusbarron Inn, who pulled the plug after The Turnip started to sing Bryan Adams' song, '(Everything I Do) I Do It For You', and was rightly booed from the stage. It was just a bad choice of song, especially since it was the theme tune to the Robin Hood film, and this is actually Bandit Country."

Pub landlord, Al Murray, later added, "Yeah, we don't like that song around these parts, but i was quite impressed by the singing. We do tend to get a lot of cabbages singing on the karaoke near the end of the night, but The Turnip had a good voice. It'll easily win Eurovision. It was actually nice to hear some Swede music for a change."

Pauline Willoughby, was so inspired by the enormous turnip, she wrote the imaginatively titled song, 'The Enormous Turnip', which entered the British Charts at number 10, beating Ed Sheeran, Miley Cyrus and Harry Styles. She claimed it would be an honour if The Turnip could sing her children's song at the Eurovision, and win it for the children of Britain who've had a terrible year. She said: "We'll be rooting for you!"

The veg said it would do its best, "Sooner or later, I'll get my chance and I plan to just turnip the heat on all my competitors."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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