Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 25 October 2018

image for Morrissey Still A 'Loner'
Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy birthday, Mr Morrissey! Happy birthday to you!

Fans of The Smiths are all on-edge this week, as they anxiously await the new solo album by the group's former frontman, Steven Patrick Morrissey.

The album, 'Me, Myself, I, Nobody Else' is released on November 1, and will be followed by a single entitled 'Isolation' later in November.

Morrissey has always been something of a loner, even when he was a child, and had no friends, only people he knew of. He was, and is, extremely sensitive, bordering on neurotic, and trusts nobody.

When he was growing up in Manchester, he informed his mum that she had to call him 'Mr Morrissey', in order to avoid 'too much familiarity', because, as everyone knows, familiarity breeds contempt.

A near-neighbour of a young Morrissey, Ted Grumblewick, told of how a rare birthday party the future singer had, was attended by only two people - Morrissey and his mum - and the two sat at opposite ends of a long table. They ate meat pie and mash, and there was no cake.

Not much has changed since those days, and Morrissey now lives in a tiny bedsit, with all of the windows either blacked-out or bricked-up, his only companion a rabbit named Morrissey. His door is built from reinforced steel, 8 inches thick, and secured by 12 locks and bolts, because you just never know. He wears a bowler hat indoors, and walks with a cane. He cleans his teeth with boot polish.

Morrissey reads a lot, and is a member of his local lending library. He tried his hand at writing after reading 'I, Claudius', and came up with 'I, Solatus' which was more than 7,000 pages long, after editing.

The singer says that his new album is the best thing he, or anyone else, has ever released, not that he's big-headed or anything.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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