Review of Bethlehem Motel 24th December by Joseph

Written by dickmitch

Friday, 17 March 2017


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Jesus Mary & Joseph in a rubbish Motel

TripAdvisor Review of Bethlehem Motel - 24th December -0001

We stayed at the Bethlehem Motel for one night on 24th December and wish we'd never bothered!! I should have known better with just a single star above the hotel sign.

I was shattered and really just needed a place to rest my ass and heavily pregnant fiancée for the night. When we arrived the Motel owner told us we were in luck as he had one standard stable-room left, but because he'd heard the next day was due to be the first Christmas ever, he immediately tripled the price.

The room itself was shockingly bad, it was freezing cold and was rammed full with animals, so cleanliness was clearly not a priority for the owners. Even now I'm still picking straw out of my arse from the uncomfortable hay bed.

I had a pretty disrupted nights sleep. First because my fiancée decided to give birth and second because the Motel owner must have waved through another 3 blokes into our room!

They claimed to be wise men and somehow already knew about the pregnancy (I'm getting more and more suspicious about this "immaculate conception" by the day, but that's another story. They proclaimed that one day Jesus will enjoy a second coming. Lucky bastard, I never even had a first one). It wasn't all bad as they'd come bearing gifts - some Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. I'm not sure why we needed any celebrity perfumes but it was kind nonetheless.

If they really were wise men, surely they would have brought some more practical items such as pain killers, nappies, a stiff drink (for me) or even some tiny clothes wouldn't have gone a miss. One of the wise guys did offer a hot towel but as this was several hours after the birth - talk about gate. Donkey. Bolted.

At check-out things went from worse to disastrous: We were told by the owner that the stable only sleeps 2 but as there were 3 of us in the morning, he inflated the price again by 50% to cover the over-occupancy.

I also complained we didn't have a stable Wi-Fi connection. I wanted to create a Twitter account for little baby Jesus and live-tweet the birth. I mean, how else is he supposed to get any followers? The owner told us he would have Wi-Fi sorted "in about 2,000 years"!

When I refused to pay the additional fees, he called the Police. I had a plan though, I'd just persistently refuse to give our real names. However when Mary overheard we were being fined 100 donkeys she said: "Jesus, Mary and Joseph.. .". The Policeman said thanks and told us someone would come and collect the fine next week.

In short we won't be staying in this absolute animal house again.


Firstly I am extremely disappointed to hear about your poor experience at our motel. I need to pick you up on a few points though:

We needed to bear the costs of cleaning the room given the state you left it in, I mean we are running a Motel not a bloody maternity ward.

You also brought a Donkey, a f***ing Donkey, into your room. You didn't even ask if pets were allowed. ASSUME makes a stinking ASS of U and ME buddy. We had to muck out the next day. At least my animals know where to shit.

As for the visitors during the night - this was unknown to us and clearly against Motel rules. Normally we do hear a bit of OneKing during the night, but Three Kings - this was the last straw. Please don't ever come back or I'll have you crucified.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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