Look out, Tinsel Town! Tired of being an entertainment middleman, Amazon.com has announced that it's going into the film-making business.
"We're producing a movie a month," Amazon Studios Vice-President in Charge of Vice, Leroy Price, crowed.
The inability to find a distributor for their films "isn't a problem," Price said. "They're going to be offered directly to the public, through Prime Time Video, which is sort of an Internet theater, but without seats, screen, projector, film, or popcorn."
While mockumentary filmmaker Michael More praised the move by Amazon as "bold," other Hollywood movie moguls haven't been as impressed.
"Amazon's decision reflects its panic at Netflix's signing of Adam Shandler to make movies for them. It's a panic decision by a desperate entertainment middleman," M. Night Charlatan pouted.
"Besides, what does Amazon know about making movies? No matter how hard they try, nothing they do can ever come close to Lady in the Water, The Happening, or The Last Airbender," the five-time Golden Raspberry Award winner sulked.
Price has issued a "call for scripts" and is "excited," he said, "to offer an opportunity to unknowns, has-beens, and ne'er-do-wells" whom Hollywood has "never given a chance, cast aside, or denied."
"Plus," he admitted, "working with unknowns is a cost-cutting strategy designed to increase our shareholders' dividends."
The logo for the online retailer's film division will be the familiar, if enigmatic, Mona Lisa smile that stretches from "a" to "z."
If customers want to purchase the movies on Super 8 film, they will be available for delivery by drone four to six weeks after their online premier, Price said, adding, "hint, hint."
If the films do as well as expected, Price says, "We may produce some adult interest--strictly high class, of course. I have my eye on some potential actresses, and I've ordered a new couch for my office, for the 'interviews.' In the movie business, you have to plan ahead to get head."