Ex-Beauty Queen to be New James Bond

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

image for Ex-Beauty Queen to be New James Bond
'James Bond' winning a Beauty Contest in China.

Idris Elba has declined the role of a black James Bond as he considered it condescending to fellow blacks as well as the total misportrayal of the original character.

Fleming's 007 was a MI6 spy proficient in languages and the martial arts; and a Royal Naval Reserve Commander. Bond was white Caucasian, half Swiss and half Scottish and educated at Eton and Cambridge. His character was based squarely on Fleming himself.

Taking over the role is Akansha Li who is half Indian and half Chinese. Akansha is a transsexual who used to be known as Amita Li. Born in Beijing she once won a televised beauty competition in Shenzhen. She later lost the title when it was discovered that she had had breast implants.

She moved to London ten years later to train as a plastic surgeon. During that period she decided to become a male. Taking the name Akansha 'he' joined the Freemasons where he was talked into becoming an actor by Tony Blair who spotted his talent for impersonating politicians immediately.

Eileen Dover, writer for Europe's leading movie magazine "Hoodwinked" visited Eon Productions who make the Bond movies to ask their CEO Gustave Mesmer for his reaction.

"Are you not afraid that this will be seen as ridiculous?"

"We are British. That means... we are only afraid of being found out. And that will never happen."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because we control the media and tell everybody how to feel, when to feel... what to think and when to think it."

"Who is "we"?

"Well, that would be telling wouldn't it, Miss Dover?"

"This film of yours is surely going too far...."

"Not at all. We must move with the times. The Chinese and Indian film markets are vast... and they have a greater willingness to suspend disbelief than Westerners. It is a young market to boot."

"But you are taking an established, literary creation and..."

"Listen, the film industry is a business. It is not about art and culture... whatever the hell they are. It is about money. To get that you obey the program... promoting gender confusion, fear, insecurity, fleecing the sheeple; and furthering the cause of the New World Order by turning reality into fantasy, fantasy into reality, black into white and morality into comedy. That's what we do. The day is not far off when we Brits will run Hollywood, lock, stock and smoking barrel. Right? And, in the furtherance of those aims we do whatever the hell we want. Now, Miss Moneypenny will see you out."

Miss Dover was not able to finish her interview.

Shooting of the new Bond movie will take place in India early next year.

Eon are currently promoting the stage play Othello with Justin Bieber in the starring role, the first time the rugged Moor was ever portrayed as a white dude with a soft face and a choirboy voice. The premiere last night in Berlin was a great success.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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