Stocks Jump on Tech Sector News

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Monday, 1 November 2010

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The New York Stock Exchange expects a firm jump in trading and tech sector growth based on early indicators from overseas markets, and weekend news from one technology leader announcing a new cell phone and personal computing platform.

Engineers and software technicians from IBM, have released a completely new line of touch screen phones and tablet computers that soundly rival anything available from Apple or Microsoft. "We've always been leaders in technology", says chief designer Lester Izmoore, "but we've often lacked the proper marketing power to sell our ideas to the marketplace". True to his stereotype, Ismoore addressed the press this morning in short sleeve white shirt, corduroy pants, $23 Timex digital watch, and 5 mechanical pencils stuffed in his front shirt pocket protector.

The platform seems to have everything that consumers are demanding, and more. Tech analyst for Cellular Times Magazine, Brad Bandy says, "It's truly an amazing touch screen, wider than its competitors and more sensitive, and the software does a great job anticipating what words are being typed in. That, including the amazing applications and IBM has the clear winner."

Changing its marketing tactics for this new advertising campaign, several writers from the satirical news source TheSpoof have been hired to put a jump in what would normally be a boring and conservative IBM advertising. Some new slogans and internet sound bites are already hitting the airwaves for the product called the 'WePhone' and include:

"There's no I in We, Bitch".
"WePhone. It doesn't suck"
"We have a hundred apps for that"
"We eat Apples for Lunch"
"Ipads; Is it that time of the month again?"

Bandy expects the news about IBM's product to have an immediate impact on the market, though the number of actual sales in the first quarter will ultimately tell the tale. "We thought OS2 was a superior alternative to a questionable Windows operating system back in the 90's, but it went the way of the Dodo. WePhone? Hey, it could happen", says Bandy.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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