In the only growth seen in the American business landscape since President George W. Bush broke the world, software developers created nearly 300,000 pornographic iPhone apps in one hour, after The Library of Congress ruled that owners of Apple Inc.'s iPhone can unlock the device to use applications not authorized by the company.
Not everyone was happy.
"The Library of Congress? The f--king Library of Congress?" asked Steve Jobs, head of evil corporation Apple, Inc, when asked for comment about the ruling. "Since when does the Library of Congress have judicial power? Who do I appeal the ruling to, the Post Office?*
Yesterday's ruling added the practice, described in the ruling as "jailbreaking," to a list of actions that does not violate copyright protections. The decision affecting iPhones and other smartphones was posted today on the agency's website.
"There is no way that this ruling stands, because the caselaw doesn't back it up. Yet," said a ruggedly handsome, witty and intelligent legal expert, who may or may not be me. "It operates under the 'Toasted Pop Tart' legal theory, which says that if you buy a toaster, you don't expect it to refuse to heat up a Pop Tart. And when you buy an iPhone, you don't expect it to not run reasonable software."
The expert continued: "Howeve, until there is a court decision that states that jailbreaking does not effect the financial interests of a company whose proprietary software is paramount to... What? You're right, that's not funny at all. OK, back to the dick jokes in 3...2..."
iWackit, the first app to make it on to a bitTorrent site, utilizes the iPhone's accelerometer as a male masturbation 'simulator': "You grab the iPhone, and shake it up and down, and then it makes a 'spurt' sound. Totally worth $4.99!"
Other apps include "Super Mario XXX: Deep Inside Princess Peach", "iThirdinput", a Greek-Sex how-to guide, "VagYelp", an app that allows you to write a review of your copulative couplings mid-thrust, and "iPAPSmear". 'IPAPSmear Lite', the free version, does not reveal the test's results.
Apple has sold almost 60 million iPhones since its 2007 debut. And, since the iPhone can barely be used as a phone, Apple has made available more than 225,000 applications for download. The process for inclusion in the App Store has drawn criticism from some developers whose material was rejected by the company.
"Apple's goal has always been to ensure that our customers have a great experience with their iPhone and we know that jailbreaking can severely degrade the experience," said Jobs. "People who want to do wacky things like use the iPhone with, say, Verizon, or download things like game console emulators, which wouldn't serve to put any money in my pocket, must be stopped."
After this story broke, Apple's stock fell 66 cents to $513,259.28 a share during Nasdaq Stock Market composite trading.
* Other lines considered for use in this joke included, "Who do I appeal the ruling to, The Coast Guard?," "Who do I appeal the ruling to, The National Aquarium," and Who do I appeal the ruling to, the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Sh-tty Cellphones?"
