Fast Food Industry Follows Krispy Kreme Doughnut Beverages Rollout

Funny story written by Morgan Truce

Friday, 23 July 2004

image for Fast Food Industry Follows Krispy Kreme Doughnut Beverages Rollout
"Suck a doughnut through a straw today!"

Following the lead of Krispy Kreme, the fast food industry is quickly responding to the doughnut maker's announcement of doughnut-flavored drinks.

Krispy Kreme announced a glazed doughnut flavored frozen drink that will appeal to doughnut lovers who are too lazy to chew ordinary solid doughnuts. At Krispy Kreme doughnut shops across the country, customers have been sitting at the counters slurping up the equivalent of dozens of Krispy Kreme doughnuts right through their straws! Wallace Roberts, a 340-pound former doughnut eater from Spartanburg, South Carolina said "I just LOVE the flavor of this new doughnut beverage---and it's so easy to get down---no chewing involved!"

Kentucky Fried Chicken executives are planning a test marketing of their new "Fried Chicken Smoothie" which they claim involves running freshly killed chickens through a blender along with a secret blend of herbs and spices.

"We have solved the salmonella problem by using radiation. Our chickens Smoothes are going to be a huge hit---and are quite safe too!"

Long John Silvers Seafood Shoppes has already started serving a variety of fish flavored beverages. john.jpg

"We tried this once before during the 1970's, but had to get out of the fish beverage business after "Saturday Night Live" made fun of us with their "Super Bass-O-Matic" blender skit. Now we have all the kinks worked out and have been having great success with our Crab Cool-a-das and our Frozen Flounder Swirls.

McDonalds announced that they would NOT be entering the food-as-beverage market.

"We already have too many customers who complain that our food tastes like school paste. We think that if we just thinned it out a little more, folks would be able to suck it through a straw. Once they got the hang of it, the complaints will just go away. We are looking forward to saving a bundle of money on Styrofoam packaging.

The White Castle---long known for its loyal following of slider-craving fanatics---has installed blenders at all store locations. The blenders are on the counter and are available for customers to make their own beverage blends of cheeseburgers and whatever else they want to throw in there.

"We believe in a Do-it-Yourself approach to this food beverage fad. Most of our customers like to mix up the White Castles with hot coffee and French fries. It sounds a bit unpleasant, but you know... it all used to get mixed up in your stomach anyway!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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