Written by David Baker

Wednesday, 19 May 2004

image for Pop Idol's Simon Cowell in Puce Mayonaisse Furore
Smug Twat

Pop Idols resident bastard and fashion-retard, Simon Cowell cannot eat normal coloured food it was revealed today. Former lover and Tomorrow's World presenter Maggie Philbin revealed that professional ego deflator Simon has to carry several bottles of food colouring about his person at all times.

"Simon likes very clear boundaries and he believes that food of different types should be different colours. He thinks Meat should be black to remind him of death, Dairy products should be red to remind him of his mother's blood and vegetables should be blue to remind him that their energy comes from the sky. He also thinks mayonnaise should be puce, I am not entirely clear why but I believe it has something to do with the goat god Pan."

When asked for a comment Simon said "I am the greatest music genius in history, I am like what Mozart could have been if he had spent less time learning to write and play music and more time ripping out the hearts of promising performers. The world will remember me and be thankful, for I am greatness."

When asked about his predilection for bizarrely coloured consumables he said; "Of course sprouts should be blue, did your mother teach you nothing, you perverted freak. Now get out and stop wasting my time."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Food, Simon Cowell

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