Republican Platform Committee Replaces "Fiscal Responsibility" With "Fiscal Insanity"

Funny story written by Evan Essence

Sunday, 31 August 2008

image for Republican Platform Committee Replaces "Fiscal Responsibility" With "Fiscal Insanity"

St Paul, Minnesota After a heated floor-fight between supporters of Ron Paul and other "Traditional" fiscally Conservative Republicans ... on the one hand ... and the followers of John McCain, and the other Neo-Con proponents of the New World Order and Perpetual Global Conquest ... on Tuesday night, the GOP Platform Committee voted to eliminate the longstanding Republican commitment to 'Fiscal Responsibility'....replacing it with the the modern Republican principle of "Fiscal Insanity".

In discussing how modern-day Republicans have abandoned their long-standing belief in balanced budgets, and have instead embraced the idea of dramatically increasing government spending at the same time they drastically cut taxes...resulting in the horrific red ink of the most unbalanced budget in the history of the country.....Harvard Professor of Political Science, Barney Hampton, explained the slow descent of Republican thinking...down the slippery slope, into slithering, slimey, somnambulance.

"Ronald Reagan took a questionable economic idea, Supply-Side Economics, and popularized the idea that cutting taxes would result in a booming economy, and therefore increase the revenue stream, on which government spending depends. 'A rising tide will lift all ships' he preached," Professor Hampton reminded us.

Professor Hampton continued "Reducing taxes, of course, resulted in increased consumer spending...and businessmen, who understandably hate taxes, were thrilled. And there was even an increase in the revenue stream. However, unfortunately, the increase in revenue stream nowhere nearly compensated for the massive size of the tax cut....and the result was the quadrupling of the National Debt.....instead of the balanced budget that Reagan predicted."

"Republican businessmen, happy with their tax cuts, and the appearance of a vital economy (25% of that economy, we now know was due to the low interest rates resulting in the Housing Bubble constuction and debt spending)....forgot Reagan's promise of a balanced budget, but held onto the delight of getting a tax break. When George Bush offered to increase pork-barrel spending...primarily to the benefit of Republican Party regulars....those Republicans were again happy...and gleefully abandoned their antiquated belief in Balancing the Budget...and the very same Republicans who had insisted that we must have a National Debt Limit, in recent years (while they controlled both Houses of Congress), gleefully increased that limit, rather than cut spending....resulting in the terrifying current explosion in the National Debt."

"By this time.." Professor Hampton continued, "The Republicans forgot Reagan's promise of a balanced budget, and even forgot that a 'balanced budget' was once a pillar of Republican values. Passing on increased pork-barrel spending to the National Debt, and future generations, was just too much fun!"

"Now, as Gloom and Doom surrounds Wall is obvious to the American people look around at their neighbors... that an economic philosophy, that resulted in corporate CEO's making multi-million dollar salaries...DID NOT lift all ships," Professor Hampton emphasized.

Professor Hampton continued, "the reason the US economy is in such dire straits is precisely because the Federal Reserve is impotent to do anything in face of a deteriorating economy. If they raise interest rates, to fight inflation, and encourage foreign investment in our debt....they will crash the precarious financial sector, and prevent the necessary recovery of the mortgage market...both dependant on low interest rates. If they lower interest rates, to stimulate those sectors dependant on lending, they will exacerbate our current hyper-inflation, and cause the dollar to fall, and bond investors to flee.

"It is our countries insane level of debt, which is rendering the Federal Reserve impotent...which is why they did nothing during their last meeting...even though the economy is deteriorating," explained Professor Hampton.

John McCain was recently asked...if he doesn't want to raise taxes on anyone.... where will the money come from, for him continue with the insane levels of spending needed to continue Dick Cheney's vision of "The Eternal Unending War to Incite Terrorism, for the Glory of God and Country, and the Conquest of the World's Oil Supplies?".

McCain promptly replied: "Its Mana from Heaven....the money just floats down out of the sky."

"People know John McCain is getting along in age," Professor Hampton concluded, "So they don't mind if he makes a few daft comments like that."

Editors note: Evan Essence received his Masters Degree in Journalism (2003), and his PhD in Political Science (2004) from House-of-Spam Internet Marketing

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more