Coffee Shots for a Perpetual Pandemic

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Friday, 23 December 2022

image for Coffee Shots for a Perpetual Pandemic
Look Up to Your Future Lord and Master -- and Have a Mocha Latte!

Starbucks is coming out with some sexy new coffee flavours for 2023, and everybody’s eager to try them out.

Don’t be scared if your barista asks you: “Wanna Covid shot with your non-fat mocha latte?”

Or maybe: “Get your booster shot with every small caramel macchiato. Monkey pox and camel flu are just around the corner!” (For every mass-attended sporting event, a new disease shall be born … can’t wait for the next Olympics!)

How about some: “RNA gene therapy in your double toffee nut shaken espresso?”

Mmmmmm, sounds yummy! But why, Starbucks, why?

Well, a spokesperson for the company – whom we met out back by the Dumpster – said, “This pandemic, man, I’m tellin’ you, it’s gonna go on forever! I mean, your kids and grandkids are gonna be gettin’ needles they whole lives and they gonna think it’s normal. So how do you get kids and adults to take medicine they don’t think they want? Double mocha latte, muthafucka!”

That’s right, Starbucks will be putting your medicine in your daily dose every morning – unless you like 10 coffees a day – then you’re gonna have blood clots, 15 heart attacks, a couple strokes, some kind of worm growing in your intestines – and grow a horn on your head!

Other food and beverage companies are already adding new machines to their warehouses and factories, which will inject tons of vaccines and other serums into their products – even breakfast cereal – so you’ll be compliant without knowing you’re being compliant.

Try new chocolatey Vaccinoooos, kids!

Politicians of the world have realized the old peanut butter trick – want a dog to take a pill? Wrap it in peanut butter. Works the same for people – but wrap it in something they’re half-addicted to, and they won’t notice a thing.

Governments have been making addictions work for them for years. Just ask all the family members you have who are dead from alcohol and tobacco! Tons of poisons in those products – and the herd got thinned nicely!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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