ATMs Emptied as Americans Hoard Dollars

Funny story written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Thursday, 19 March 2020

image for ATMs Emptied as Americans Hoard Dollars
One customer, in the process of moving his cash to the National US Mattress Bank

Washington, D. C. Woof Blister reporting for SOS - Spoof on Stocks. ATMs all over the United States emptied out today, as hoarders made a run on dollars, fearing the president will use his emergency war power - he insists he is a "wartime president" - to close all banking institutions, in the midst of the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

Convinced, erroneously, that the trillion-dollar bailout of airlines, restaurants, bars, hotels, resorts and even professional sports, will cause the federal government to use a little known law from the Korean War that would force banks to turn over their cash to the treasury, misguided citizens cleaned the ATMs of all their $5, $10 and $20 dollar bills. Only a few ones were available in remote locations.

Treasury Secretary Mnuchin attempted to quell the run, telling SOS that the Fed would print all the paper money the government needed. "That's not a solution," said one man, smiling as he drained the last ones from a rural ATM. "That'll only cause inflation, making my dollars worth less. I've gotta get some more."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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