Bombast, bullshit and bollocks were the order of the day in Parliament today, as so-called Prime Minister Boris Johnson outlined his plans for the future of the not-so-United Kingdom.
After a dressing-down from Her Majesty the Queen on Wednesday afternoon, when she warned him not to break up the Union on pain of losing his head or his bollocks, whichever pleased her most, the Bullingdon buffoon chose his words carefully.
"Apart from my other uncosted ridiculous pledges, a new Boris airport in the Thames estuary, 200,000 more police to keep the Remainers at bay, and overnight stays at Number 10 for any filly who wants to be shagged by the prime minister, I will nationalise, yes, nationalise, that bastion of Brexit, the Wetherspoons chain of old gits pubs.
"Wetherspoons has been of great assistance to me in my mission, and I will be knighting JD Wetherspoon’s weirdo chairman Tim Martin, the last living proponent of the mullet, hairstyle of the gods, for services to politics. His whirlwind tour of his business empire spouting and repeating my lies, falsehoods and fake news about the EU have been a boon, and I wouldn't be standing here today if it were not for his sterling efforts.
"In further good news for the House, I can confirm a discount scheme at all Wetherspoons outlets for ERG members - just show your membership card for a free pint of Stoat and Gobbler. Yes, this was agreed especially for you, Jacob Rees-Smug."