US Cigarette Production Goes Into Overdrive

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 27 June 2019

image for US Cigarette Production Goes Into Overdrive
We profit, you die

US manufacturers of cigarettes have said that thousands of new jobs will soon be available, after it was announced, yesterday, that e-cigarettes were to be outlawed in San Francisco.

Cigarette manufacturers immediately began advertizing for staff to man huge factories to manage the expected increase in the number of people who will revert to the old, traditional cancer sticks.

E-cigarettes have not yet passed sufficient stringent testing for scientists to know what risks to health they carry, unlike real cigarettes, which are known to be deadly.

London Breed, the strangely-named San Francisco mayor, still has to ratify the legislation, but has said she will. The law would come into force seven months later, and although there could be legal challenges from e-cigarette companies, it's important to know that, when you are threatening the enormous profits of long-established companies like the ones that are responsible for the manufacture cigarettes, you're up against it, to say the least.

San Francisco will, no doubt, be followed by other major American cities, before the disease spreads across the Atlantic to Europe and beyond, like some plague that will unleash its catastrophically-fatal effects all around the globe - in other words, another Black Death.

This time, though, it's going to tars, not rats.

On the upside, however, unemployment in the US is going to fall drastically.

On the downside, heart disease, lung cancer, liver cancer, colorectal cancer, cervical cancer, bladder cancer, stroke, erectile dysfunction and a host of other fatal complaints are going to rise drastically.

The price of cigarettes is also likely to go up.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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