AK-47 factory to be built in Florida: Rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat and let's go to the landfill and shoot some rats!

Funny story written by Samuel Vargo

Sunday, 31 January 2016


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What young southern gal wants grandma's old antique sewing machine when she can have an AK47?

POMPANO BEACH, Fla - The Sunshine State will soon be the home of Kalashnikov USA. The company has announced plans to manufacture the famous AK-47 assault rifles in Florida sometime soon.

According to an article that ran Jan. 28 on WNCN North Carolina News website, "It (Kalashnikov USA) began producing them in Pennsylvania last year when President Obama imposed sanctions against Russia after its annexation of Crimea. At that point, Kalashnikov USA severed all ties with the Russian company. Now, Pompano Beach has approved the assembly of guns in the city."

"Guns assembled at the Pompano Beach factory will have to be sold to retailers elsewhere. The weapon takes its name from designer Mikhail Kalashnikov, and the year it went into production, 1947," WNCN North Carolina News reports.

America's crazy about guns and those good southern folks lead the rat pack. Click here to see a graphic of all the gun owners in Tennessee. It's one of those graphics that show - in little dots - where each and every gun owner lives. The flow chart takes the form of a map of the Volunteer State. It's compelling and interesting, so make sure you click on it!

And here's a picture of a guy who's so crazy about guns that he sold every one of his guitars and spent all the proceeds to purchase every machine gun ever manufactured, foreign and domestic, though the history of time. He's so crazy about machine guns, in fact, that he has two models of every machine gun ever made. He's got such a complete collection that he stores all of them in a large 100,000-square-foot warehouse somewhere near Waco, Texas.

"Believe me, the warehouse is filled to the brim," said a security guard who watches over this warehouse from 6 p.m. until 6 a.m weekdays. "They're stacked 50 feet high. I don't think we can get another gun in this blasted place!" Bubba Bronks told me in a Skype interview recently.

"Yes, I know that guy in that picture well. He was once a very good guitar player. One of the best, if not THE BEST. He's so rusty these days I doubt that he could even pick "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and it's all because of his fetish and obsession with machine guns. He hasn't played an electric guitar in years. These days, he only carries around a machine gun. I don't think he's riddled anyone with those pointy tipped projectiles from one of his horrid lead spitters yet, but I know he dreams of doing such a thing," said Tommy "Tom Tom" Duckworthy, a Dallas disc-jockey who has a popular morning radio show in Dallas.

My friend and neighbor Jacko, well his estranged girlfriend Delilah is waiting for the Kalashnikov USA to open in Pompano Beach, Fla., so she can apply for a job making these AK-47s.

"After my shift is over, I can go out on the beach and lay in the sun. And no, Jacko's not coming down here with me when I move. In fact, I have a restraining order on him now and I plan to get one on that rat-fink and overall loser when I move to Florida, too," Delilah told me in a telephone interview last week.

"The only time Jacko calls me any more is when he wants something," Delilah hissed. "Honey, can I borrow some ice cubes? Honey, can I come over and have sex with you just like the good old days? Oh, just once or twice, babe. Maybe three times. We'll make it quick! Honey, can I borrow ten bucks so I can buy a couple of bottle of Boone's Farm wine? Well, I know he's going to want to visit me in Florida and what he'll want then is another AK-47. He's already got one, what's the sense in him having two of them?"

"And he's all whacked out with that Alice in Wonderland Syndrome he's got going on with himself. Oh, why did I ever get involved with that freak?!" she told me.

An AK-47 is a selective-fire (semi-automatic and automatic), gas-operated 7.62×39 mm assault rifle which was developed in the Soviet Union. Design work on the AK-47 began in the last year of World War II (1945). In 1946, the AK-47 was presented for official military trials, and in 1948, the fixed-stock version was introduced into active service with selected units of the Soviet Army. In 1949, the AK-47 was officially accepted by the Soviet Armed Forces and was then used by the majority of the member states of the Warsaw Pact, according to Wikipedia.

The AK-47 is a popular gun to those who like to shoot guns. And as far as machine guns go, it's a dandy.

"I'll never forget the first thing my ex-wife's father said to me: "Wanna go shoot an AK?" writes Geoffrey Ingersoll in a Business Insider opinion piece that ran a few years ago. "I obliged. It turns out Americans are turning to AK 's in droves to fill their home armories. Russia doesn't mind, and neither do it's arms companies, like Izhmash, which are quickly shifting from military to civilian fabrication in order to fill all the orders. Overall it's been a good deal for American enthusiasts, and for Russian investors, since existing laws banning Chinese imports essentially subsidizes Russian businesses."

And the NRA is happy, too. In fact, the NRA is pushing for some sort of amendment to be railroaded through U.S. Congress that will allow each and every American citizen who passes a background check and has a clean criminal history to own FIM-43 Redeye, MM-23 Hawk, and RIM-24 surface-to-air missiles.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a surface-to-air missile is a good guy with a surface-to-air missile, is the NRA's war cry in getting surface-to-air missiles in the hands of the American public. Anyhow, that is written in blood-red letters on a large placard that sits outside a Bundy Brothers & Adopted Cowpoke Cousins barnyard and chicken coop somewhere just across the line in Montana, near the Canadian border.

"They're harmless, surface-to-air missiles. They don't even have as much kick as a little bottle rocket. I doubt if you could kill sparrows with them," an old cowboy named Kirk told me recently at the Bundy Brothers & Adopted Cowpoke Cousins grounds.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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