Gainesville, FL - The troubled National Hot Rod Association has been running out of gas and getting lapped by NASCAR and Formula 1 Auto Racing for the last three decades, but the folks over at Hot Wheels, Inc. think they have the solution to turn the struggling franchise around.
We sent our Pit Crew Chief, Rusty Muffler, down to the Drag Strip Capitol of the World in Gainesville, Florida for the press conference, where Hot Wheels CEO, Timmy Zoomer, had this to say about the new merger: "To us, it was a slam-dunk-a-roni! You take a boring old straight black track and paint it bright orange and put some fun flame strips down the edges, added a few loopity-loops and a shark jumping feature and you've got yourself a much more desirable product!" said CEO Timmy, who went on to explain, that if his mom will let him, he can turn around the NHRA within a year, and have a profitable season by the time he finishes 6th Grade in three fiscal quarters.
But some of the funny-car drivers don't think the newly proposed track features are all that funny. After the interview, Rusty Muffler caught up with one of the top drag-strip warriors on the current NHRA circuit, Bobby "Blazin'" Pistons, who also acts as the head of the Driver's Union. He had this to say: "A lot of the boys out there are complainin' about that dang second loopity-loop!" told Pistons. "The first one is OK, they can deal with that. but that second one comin' at you at 230 miles per hour is a lot of G-forces on the body, which makes it hard to control a 4000 lb dragster."
But for now, Hot Wheels CEO Timmy is standing firm. "Look, the days of just one loopity-loop are over! We live in a two loopity-loop world. First it was the color of the track. Now it's the loops. It's something different every day with these losers! Next they'll be saying that there are too many sharks in the jump tank!"
But the Driver's Union has made some progress with the new management, getting them to add several large sofa cushions to the end of the track after the shark tank. They were also able to convince new management to temporarily close the door on his 'large fluffy cat' project, meant to randomly chase the drivers down the track when it felt like it.
"Personally..." Bobby Pistons told us, looking over his shoulder, "I'm just hopin' I skid out underneath that giant sofa over there and CEO Timmy forgets about me for the rest of the season-"
Our interview then ended abruptly, as CEO Timmy was called away for dinner, and Bobby Pistons had his own problems to deal with - namely, a giant hairball wrapped around his front axel.
The first race under new management is being re-marketed as a 'Death Match,' so be sure to set your DVR's this Friday night to ESPN 4, or as soon as the new boss can figure out a way to attach the beginning of the track to the windowsill.
"Screw that! I'm outta here!" responded half the drivers in the field, after catching word of the latest track improvement project.