Schmidt & Weissen to produce bidirectional pistol
Schmidt & Weissen, a major gun manufacturer in the US, is developing a bidirectional pistol. Paul Gant of Schmidt & Weissen says, "This is the only gun I'd recommend to scumbags and known gang members." The police have mixed feelings about...
Read full storyLocal schools discover an epidemic of benign spots
Local elementary school teachers noticed that several students were covered with spots. Debbie Westmoreland of Springfield Elementary said, "All I know was that at least four of my girls were covered with spots." The students were sent to the inf...
Read full storyAnimal Rights Activist Cuts Off Own Arm and Cooks It
An animal rights activist is recovering in the psychiatric wing of the local hospital after cutting off her own arm and eating it. The patient, who asked to remain anonymous, said she just wanted to know what suffering animals go through. The...
Read full storyActivist Vandals Create Earth-Sized Bandage
[PP]- A group of vandals broke into a factory which manufactures health supplies and created a bandage large enough to fit around the entire globe. The World Activist Front takes credit for this stunt, saying that the world is sick and someone mu...
Read full storyTrump: It's your wall...literally!
At a Trump rally attended by the hordes of hillbillies, rednecks, and cracker-heads that constitute President Trump's base, the Commander-In-Chief released his newest plan to build the infamous border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. "I was watch...
Read full storyIvanka Trump Blasts "Cruel and Vicious" Media Reports of Family Vampirism and Abuse
As she bit the head off of a chinchilla and drank its blood, Ivanka Trump called out the media for what she sees as harsh treatment of her father. "Some of the stories about my family I won't even dignify with a comment--I just can't believe the v...
Read full storyWoman: PlumMart said to purple up or leave
Fuchsia, Purplonia [PP] -- An Earthling woman says she was told to put a purple shirt over her orange top while shopping at PlumMart or leave the store. Amber Green told The Tentacle Times she was shopping at a Fuchsian PlumMart with her sister la...
Read full storyTwo students suspended over using their initials on a group assignment
Felicia Underwood and Cindy King were suspended from Squaresville High over placing their initials on their joint assignment. Underwood placed F. U. on the paper, followed by King placing C. K. on the paper. According to them, they gave it no thought...
Read full storyFaecal slime monster Gove to rejoin UK cabinet
After almost a year in exile on the back benches, faeces-covered slime monster Michael Gove has returned to a UK government position. He was fired from the cabinet last year for attempting to osmose Boris Johnson. When asked how he had spent the last...
Read full storySwarm of bees make honey in a UK Nissan!
In Yorkshire, UK, the world turns slightly different and one of their main ports, Hull, seems to have gone "Bee Shape" as a swarm of bees decided to make honey in a Japanese Nissan. The bees were evacuated from their normal home due to lack of bus...
Read full storyProminent 80's rappers hold press conference apologizing for early hits
[PP] -- Cool Man, Smooth G, and other prominent rappers of the 80's held a press conference apologizing for their early hits. "I am embarrassed that I took this stage name," said Cool Man. "We thought we were cool back in the day, but we were real...
Read full storyTown of 'Nice' Has Unusual Crime Spree
Amanda Jenkins had quite a surprise. Her purse was missing. But some stranger returned her purse with much more money than she had before, and even recharged her phone and replaced the broken compact she carried. "I was worried someone had stolen my...
Read full story