After almost a year in exile on the back benches, faeces-covered slime monster Michael Gove has returned to a UK government position. He was fired from the cabinet last year for attempting to osmose Boris Johnson. When asked how he had spent the last year, he spluttered "oozing".
Michael Gove is an unusual creature who does not fit into normal taxonomic categories. Like many acoelomorphs, his mouth and anus are combined into a single orifice. However, he does show some characteristics of higher life forms, for example his slime trail. He eats through osmosis, and his favourite food is raw bone marrow. Some of his advisers have disappeared in mysterious circumstances, and he is suspected of having eaten them although no proof has ever been found.
His reproductive habits are too disgusting to repeat, but he is currently engaged in relations with a writer for the Daily Mail.
Gove has returned to the government as environment secretary, which will suit him because he is an unusual specimen himself. He single-handedly fulfills the Conservative party's minority quota - in fact he is so weird that he makes other minorities want to discriminate against him.
Everyone hates him. He is only an MP is because the swivel-eyed loons in his Surrey constituency would blindly vote Tory even if a hideous slime monster stood - and they do.
The reason that the Conservatives keep promoting him is because it keeps Rupert Murdoch from shouting at them, although why Murdoch is a fan of Gove is anyone's guess.