The Federal Government, Now Hiring New Employees, Changes Its Name To Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions To Earn Street Cred Among the American People
With sequester in the loom, the federal government is under pressure to change its image among the American people, beginning with an urban-inspired name change and employee overhaul. Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, formerly the federal government and ironically bearing great similarities to its new namesake, is opening departmental branches across the U.S., and is aggressively seeking e...
Read full storyRocket Ronnie Not Recovered From His Extended Rest
Ronnie O'Sullivan, the lovable cockney pocket filler, is back on the professional snooker tour. But his actions during a recent practice session demonstrated that the troubled player's return to health is very much a long shot. Ronnie re-joined th...
Read full storyBanksy Art Removal Sparks Black Market For 'Wall Art'
Following the recent mysterious removal and attempted sale of Banksy's street art, a new black market has quickly emerged for the wall plaster behind other valuable artwork. Earlier this week, a London art gallery was broken into and the plaster b...
Read full storyCameron Gets A Shock
An internal report to David Cameron from a Conservative Think Tank, Money Talks has come as a great shock to the PM. The contents of this report have been leaked to your fearless reporter by 'a well wisher' and we can bring you this exclusive info...
Read full story'Jobseeker methane' used to preserve packets of value ham
It has come to light that the manufacturers of low-cost packets of ham have been using human-derived methane as a means of preserving the meat for longer periods. Unpaid staff who were recruited through the government's back-to-work scheme were force...
Read full storyVatican promotes Silly Hat Contest
Special to TPN - Vatican Secretary of State, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, announced that the Convocation of Cardinals assembled to pick a new Pope will liven up the proceedings with a Silly-Hat Contest, which has not been conducted for 1200 years.
Read full storyWes Welker Plays the Price is Right
Sequestration seems to be a fancy way of talking about an NFL franchise tag. With official government sources running about like the proverbial headless chicken, New England Patriots seem overwhelmed by the high price of tagging. For the first tim...
Read full storyWhite House scolds Dennis Rodman over NKorea, then Invites Rodman to White House
WASHINGTON (AP) -- The White House says North Korea's government should be focused on the well-being of its citizens, not on "celebrity sporting events" to entertain the country's elite. White House spokesman Jay Carney made the comments in respon...
Read full storyTerror Professor Fired for Yelling at Students' Mistakes in Class
ILIGAN, PHILIPPINES (Acme World News) -- Kirai Moltres, a terror professor, was fired for yelling at his students' mistakes in class last February 14, 2013. The said professor allegedly yelled at a student named Audino Flareon Clamperl for giving...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Is Now A Bluenette
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Last year Katy Perry decided to go blue as she dyed her hair royal blue and now another singer, Miley Cyrus has gone the bluenette route. Cyrus told Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Talk that she just got tired of the same old...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Now Looking For A Boyfriend In The Sports World
NASHVILLE - Taylor Swift, 23, was in Music City shopping around for a certain brand of guitar strings. Afterwards she and a close friend identified as Chevette Goobergraust, 21, had lunch at a local Burger Belle. Taylor revealed to Chevette tha...
Read full storyPope Benedict To Meet With Lindsay Lohan
LOS ANGELES - Word out of the Vatican is that Pope Benedict XVI, has informed his press secretary Leonora Sardinia to set up a meeting with the much troubled Tinsel Town starlet Lindsay Lohan. The pope, 85, said that last week he received a text m...
Read full storyKristen Stewart Spotted Out and About With Dennis Rodman
WEST HOLLYWOOD - The star of The Twilight Saga series Kristen Stewart was seen walking hand in hand with former NBA Bad Boy, Dennis "The Menace" Rodman. The two were spotted going into Needleman's Tattoo Parlor which is owned and operated by the w...
Read full storyJustin Bieber: I Got Me A Brand New Babe For My Birthday
LONDON - Justin Bieber says that he has just received the best birthday present that he has ever gotten and her name is Ella-Paige Roberts Clarke. The British Tabloid Ta Ta For Now News reports that the two celebrated Bieber's 19th birthday at the...
Read full storyAnti-Cult Organization Plans Bulldozer Assault on "Westboro Baptist Cult"
Mein Kraft, an anti-cult-slash-construction workers' organization, plans to ram the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, labeled to many as a cult, with a squad of bulldozers and other heavy construction equipment. Tony "Harbinger" Toponi, spokespers...
Read full storySequestration Castration to Hit Hard in Congress
The dreaded Sequestration is upon us. Which is much like the feared Fiscal Cliff. Which is similar to the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse. Which is related to Y2K. Which is similar to the Bush II administration......wait a minute! That was a real disaster that...
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