With sequester in the loom, the federal government is under pressure to change its image among the American people, beginning with an urban-inspired name change and employee overhaul.
Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, formerly the federal government and ironically bearing great similarities to its new namesake, is opening departmental branches across the U.S., and is aggressively seeking employees relative to the refurbished stage name.
Candidates interested in applying are required to have no skills, drive, or backbone - so basically the requirements to work for the government have not changed.
See details below:
Position Title: Personal Flunky II
Company/Contact: Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA
Salary: Peanuts & Bubble Gum Wrappers
Closing Date: When the damn job is filled. Duh.
The Position:
Flunky will scratch/kiss reporting supervisor's ass, jump on demand, and serve as personal flunky to CEO, CFO, President, VP, Assistant to the Assistant Administrative Assistant and Janitor of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions.
Minimum Qualifications:
One year of experience equivalent to jackass/dumb ass or two years of experience equivalent to a nobody that's looking to be recognized for something. . .anything. A Bachelor's degree from a notable clown college or one year experience as a milk crate packer. Applicant will not speak unless spoken to; have no spine, no personal goals, no opinion, no friends, no life, no drama, and no chance of amounting to anything more than a talentless schmuck seeking approval from anyone who could give two shits less about them. Must be willing to rob banks and/or hold up liquor stores, work for peanuts, bubble gum, and saltine cracker crumbs. Must have strong feet or wheels on ankles (a lot of walking is required) and able to lift objects 15 lbs or greater (applicant will lift his/her ego off the floor frequently).
Special Selection Factors:
Employment is contingent on the passing of a medical/physical examination. Must be able to work weekends, rotating shifts, and holidays as required, commanded, demanded, and expected. Employment is contingent upon successful completion of a pre-employment alcohol/drug test. The test is to determine the presence of alcohol and/or illegal drugs, unauthorized prescription drugs.
Physical Abilities:
Must be healthier than a dying willow tree, able to go without food and beverage for extended periods of time, and maintain a high level of low self esteem.
Preference:
Bilingual (English/Pig Latin/Ebonics) speaking skills. Physically unable to say "No."
How to Apply:
Submit a professional resume (or something close to it) to:
Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions
000 ½ N. Nowhere Street, 3rd Floor Basement
Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA 20101-0001
NO PHONE OR FAX SUBMISSIONS
*As a condition of employment, employees are required upon hire to sign a drug-free workplace agreement, though duties may include getting some green from nearby projects at employer's request.
*Following an offer of employment, and prior to starting work, individuals must have a pre-employment drug test by a physician designated by Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions. The examination will be paid for out of applicant's pocket (Cash only. Peanuts and bubble gum wrappers not accepted). Refusal or inability to pay for the exam will result in automatic disqualification of applicant consideration.
Note: If applicant has additional questions, don't bother to ask. Employers of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions don't care and won't listen. Hired applicant will serve LHCPP, not the other way around.
