Some of our mummies not really 'dead' says British Museum
London - Various Gebelein pre-dynastic mummies, including the notorious West Nile 'Rancid Ginger' from 3400 BC, would not necessarily pass the rigor mortis test according to a British Museum report published today. Excavated in the 19th century by...
Read full storyCats causing sharp rise in child neglect
Welfare group Kids'R'Us says kids will suffer as parents struggle with cats. Record numbers of children are likely to be taken away from their families this year as parents try to fight off massive public sector cats. Parents in households wher...
Read full storyGuy Who Posted Video Saying He'd Start Killing People "if It Goes One Inch Further" Exactly Kind of Patriot America's Founders Envisioned Having Assault Musket Arsenal
Wes Gunn, CEO of Tactical Response, a Tennessee company that specializes in tactical weapons and training was taken aback that his threat to use his private arsenal of AR-15s, rocket launchers, hand grenades, surface-to-air Stinger missiles and perso...
Read full storyMan goes berserk at party after shouting "hip hip" but getting no "hooray" in response
What began as a happy event, a birthday party for a 30 year-old woman, turned violent last night. According to a guest, approximately 50 people were celebrating Saltina Hoofnaugle's 30th birthday at her home around 8:00pm. "We sang 'Happy birth...
Read full storyBan On Magazines Worrisome Says Ill Informed Dufus
President Obama's announcement today that some magazines will be banned from sale caused one moronic idiot to fly into a tizzy, worried that Hustler, Big Tits Weekly and Teenage Sluts would be among the publications banned. "I hope he reconsiders...
Read full storyLady Gaga buys Neverland including Bubbles and Jacko's ghost!
After visiting Michael Jackson's Neverland, Lady Gaga bought the place lock, stock and barrel including the fun fair. One of the reasons why she bought the place was that she fell in love with Bubbles as a child and wanted him to return home. And alt...
Read full storyMayan Doomsday Update: Five More Days To Kiss Your Ass Goodbye
BILLINGSGATE POST - High Chief Hokum, the official Mayan doomsday spokesperson who earlier granted the world a 30 day reprieve from the December 21 apocalyptic ending, said today that it is time for everyone to practice "grabbing your ankles, puttin...
Read full storyDowntown Fenway Park's New Season Rivals PBS Masterpiece Classic
Who would have guessed that the Boston Red Sox and Fenway Park had more soapsuds than Downton Abbey? In fact, part owner Tom Werner had marketing studies done that told him he needed to elevate the sex appeal of his players and change the entire p...
Read full storyWhere's the beef as Shergar whoppers furor rages?
London - A consignment of dodgy burgers has been confiscated by the UK National Poisons Unit after testing positive for traces of the missing racehorse. Shergar vanished from his Ballybollox, County Mayo stables shortly after winning the 1982 Epso...
Read full storyNRA Effort To Weed Out Crazies Wipes Out 70% Of It's Members
The US government has decided to do what the NRA says and instead of not letting people buy a lot of guns and bullets that the would try to find the crazy people and just stop them from getting them. As anyone knows, guns and bullets are just innocen...
Read full storyHousemate found in Beefburger
Shoppers in England and Ireland today were shocked to discover that Beefburgers stocked by many of the leading supermarkets have been found to contain meat from former 'Big Brother' housemate Jade Goody. DNA testing by the Irish Food Standard Agen...
Read full storyCeltics Coach Doc Rivers Faces His Son Austin in Boston
Do we have to read Dostoevsky's book Fathers and Sons to prep for the Celtics game between Doc Rivers and his son Austin of the New Orleans Hornets? Maybe we can get by with the Cliff Notes version. And those weighty Russian tales are more suited...
Read full storyArmstrong denies using Apology Enhancing Drugs
Lance Armstrong has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show to apologise for his performance enhancing drug use over seven seperate Tour de France titles. However he has since denied rumours that he was under the influence of drugs to make the apology.
Read full storyFood Painting Industry In Danger As People Take To Social Media To Show Off Favorite Foods
New research from the University of Miami suggests that the food painting industry stands on the brink of extinction, as people have found much easier and more timely ways of showing the world what they're eating by simply posting it to Twitter or In...
Read full storyBaby Showers Banned In Massachusetts Until Further Notice
STOUGHTON, Massachusetts - Members of the Stoughton Police Department are still shaking their heads over the free-for-all melee that took place at a baby shower which was being held at The Clam Chowder Club in downtown Stoughton. SPD Spokesperson...
Read full storyHighway department to place discount coupons inside roadkill
The next time you spot a dead animal in the roadway, you might want to stop and pick it up rather than just driving on by. Highway department officials today announced a new plan to insert discount coupons for restaurants, theaters, salons and r...
Read full storyGisele Bünchen-Brady Says The New England Patriots Will Beat The Baltimore Ravens By 29 points
BRENTWOOD, California - Gisele Bünchen, the outspoken wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was lying out by the pool at their $20 million mansion, which she named Casa Touchdown. The infamous underwear model was speaking with Dottie Bazooka of...
Read full storyA World War II Japanese Two-Man Sub Found In Lake Erie
CLEVELAND - A member of the Ohio Military Historical Society has just announced an unbelievable announcement. Speaking before the monthly meeting of the OMHS, Executive Director Mervin W. Kiddlefuddle, 61, stated that a couple of scuba divers from...
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