Armstrong denies using Apology Enhancing Drugs

Written by Talking Tic-Tacs

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

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Take me to your Lance Armstrong

Lance Armstrong has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show to apologise for his performance enhancing drug use over seven seperate Tour de France titles. However he has since denied rumours that he was under the influence of drugs to make the apology.

Members of Armstrongs entourage have since admitted he was completely off his tits on tranquilisers to both make the apology and tolerate Oprah Winfrey. "He can't stand that bitch" remarked one member, "He thought he'd better whip out the old valium from his "sophisticated network," or cabinet drawer, to acquire that calm sincerity but also to put up with that crusader Winfrey."

Armstrong strongly refuted the allegations however, poignantly saying "whaaaat" before nodding off.

Other famous apologists have since commented that his apology was clearly and unfairly enhanced by drug use. Bill Clinton commented, "Darn it i should have filled my face with amphetamines when i said sorry for that whole Lewinsky thing, but instead i merely smelt like cigars and sex. Kudos to him though."

Tiger Woods also remarked, "I have to say i think his apology was staged, insincere and fake and i think he gives people who already have a bad name because they did something bad, a bad name. But he still ma boay yeeeeah!"

Indeed calls are being made, demanding he apologises cleanly for the sake of clean apologists everywhere and acknowledges his unfair advantage in his apology.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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