Dancing With The Stars: The Story Behind Kirstie Alley's Lip Lock on Tom Bergeron
HOLLYWOOD - In what is being called "The Kiss of The New Television Season," millions of fans are wondering what caused Kirstie Alley to suddenly grab Dancing With The Stars host Tom Bergeron and lock lips with him for what seemed to be quite a while...
Read full storyPlayboy rates University of Virginia nation's number one party school
CHARLOTTESVILLE VA (ABSNN) - Playboy magazine released its annual list of the Nation's Top Ten Party Schools. The University of Virginia took top honors beating out such famous Animal Houses as University of Southern California, Los Angeles (2); the...
Read full storyMichelle Obama To Debate Ann Romney
NEW YORK CITY - The Epitome Television Network has announced that they have just finalized plans for the first ever Presidential Election Wives Debate. The idea for the unique debate between President Obama's wife Michelle and Mitt Romney's wife A...
Read full storyMy life as a man #05
I may not be the brightest bulb on the porch, the sharpest knife in the drawer; I'm no Edison; my philosophy may not be up to Kant's; but I am not as dumb as a bag of hammers either, except when I'm drunk at 0-dark-30, and decide to call up some old gal I haven't seen since 1969, and tell her husband that she's mine and "I'm a-comin to get her!" Or worse, I cry and tell her I never stopped loving...
Read full storyMadonna: 'It's ironic the President is a Black Muslim'
WASHINGTON DC (ABSNN) - Aging (badly) pop singer Madonna endorsed President Barack Obama for a second term in the Whitehouse during a concert on Monday. She said "it was cool (having) a Black Muslim as President." She said that "there is hope f...
Read full storyMitt Romney wants open windows on Presidential plane: sucker!
Presidential candidate and general "gaffer", Mitt Romney, has told the world that if he wins the election he will have windows that open built in the Presidential plane and his first passenger will be Barack Obama; that sucks! Mitt feels that all...
Read full storyPresident Obama Diagnosed With Terminal Chicken Lips
BILLINGSGATE POST - Being diagnosed as having chicken lips could possibly spell disaster for the incumbent president. As Foghorn Leghorn, who also has chicken lips, so eloquently stated to his friends, Barnyard Dawg and Henery the baby chicken hawk,...
Read full storyMy life as a man #04
How I got kicked out of Divinity School, Lost my virginity and won the Vietnam War Or God's own warrior wins the piece It all begins with the war in Vietnam, my story does. I was in high school in Charleston, West Virginia and was faced with the inevitable for a young man in the United States during the late 1960's: the Selective Service Act or the Draft. I had not thought too much abou...
Read full storyMonster Raving Loony Party to combat identity crisis
The Monster Raving Loony Party leader Alan "Howling Laud" Hope is preparing to make his speech to the party conference at a time of crisis for the party. Over the last two years the main stream political parties have been encroaching on the Loonies b...
Read full storyGronk Flakes or Flutie Flakes: Only e-Bay Will Tell
Rob Gronkowski has beaten many opponents in his two-year career as a tight end. The biggest flake on the Patriots has now given us a literal flake. Grrr-onk is taking on his toughest competitor in a limited match. Yes, Gronk is going to spike it t...
Read full storyAbu "Hook" Hanza plays get out of jail free card
Abu "Hook" Hanza, the radical terrorist, has challenged the Government for keeping him in Belmarsh prison for the past number of years, and has said that he should be released immediately prior to any sort of extradition. He claims that he was pla...
Read full storyThe Turner Prize
The Turner Prize by Rob Barratt No Turners at the Turner Just Tracey bloody Emin No masterful masterpieces Just masturbating women No salty simmering seascapes No homebound fishing trawler Just the naked fore and aft Of an amateurish scrawler No mystical mist across the Thames No spiralling seabirds Just languid linear bodies Described by misspelt words For me she puts artisti...
Read full storyChief Whip to attempt Knievel-style jump of Whitehall gate
After yet another abortive attempt by Andrew Mitchell to use the main vehicle gate into Whitehall, the two sides of the Gate Gate conflict have have been outlining their next move. The police have reiterated their determination not to open the Big...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars First Victim - The Sultry Blonde
HOLLYWOOD - The Pineapple 7000 Computer hit it right on the head when it predicted that out of the 13 Dancing With The Stars All-Stars the first one to be eliminated would be Pamela Anderson. The 45-year-old Anderson and her partner Tristan MacMan...
Read full storyHoney Boo Boo And The Zombie Bees Scare
MCINTYRE, Georgia - Filming on the popular hit TLC cable show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was interrupted after a swarm of zombie bees showed up at the Shannon-Thompson household backyard picnic. June "Mama" Shannon, 32, and her live-in partner Mike...
Read full storyPresident Obama To Give NFL Replacement Refs Secret Service Protection
WASHINGTON, D.C. - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reportedly called up President Obama and asked him to step in to remedy a situation that is starting to get ugly. Goodell told the president that most of the NFL replacement referees have recei...
Read full storyTexas School Principal: 'I spanked her cheatin ass!'
SPRINGTOWN, TX (ABSNN) - John Wannabeter is a well-respected, "no nonsense" high school Vice Principal at SHS. He is known as a fair administrator, but a hard-ass by his students. Last week an 18-year-old female student was caught cheating and susp...
Read full storyMy life as a man #03
Anybody who tries to tell me there is one, an all-powerful, caring God who rewards human beings for their good works and punishes human beings for evil is full of shit. I can prove it; any seven-year-old in a catechism class can prove it too: God cannot be all-powerful because God cannot create a rock so heavy God cannot pick it up. So, fuck you; let it go. Yes, I know, you believe the rewa...
Read full storyMy life as a man #02
The question I am asked most often is: What makes you think the way you think? That question is usually followed by this question: Were you dropped on your head as a child, maybe repeatedly? The answer to both questions is: I do not know. Many of my friends who have known me since I was a boy believe that my thinking was somehow screwed up during the Summer of Love in 1968. They belie...
Read full storyMy life as a man #01
I thought my life could not get any worse than it is; I was wrong! I just found out that, in addition to not being able to find a human female who will buy my line of shit, my absolute favorite star, Adam Fucking Lambert has huge arm fat. My life, such as it is and has been for 61 years, is now at an end. I fully intend to slit my throat and fucking die, die, die because ole AdLam has fat a...
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