Paul Ryan -- GOP Math?
WASHINGTON -- Vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan asserted on multiple occasions Tuesday morning that numbers do add up. "Obviously," Ryan said, "numbers add up, we have shown that." However, Romney's campaign seems to be confused about how th...
Read full storyObama and Romney Finally Agree: The President Won't Use a Teleprompter and Romney Won't Flip-Flop
DENVER - The first Presidential Debate between President Obama and non-president Mitt Romney will be held in The Mile High City. The debate will be moderated by Jim Lehrer, a man who should have changed his last name a long, long time ago. Lehr...
Read full storyIs Neil Young Hanging On A Limb?
Music legend and current Emperor of Wyoming Neil Young has brought out a new music system to rival the iPod. His Pono system will have a better sound quality than its rivals, all the better to keep you rocking in the free world. Neil said: "It...
Read full storyAlana Thompson AKA Honey Boo Boo Rolling In The Ca$h
McINTYRE, Georgia - The TLC Network has just given the Thompson-Shannon family, who star in Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, a hefty raise from $5,000 per show to $15,000 per show. June "Mama" Shannon, who tips the scales at 307 pounds, told TV ClickerWo...
Read full storySimon Cowell And The Sheep
HOLLYWOOD - Simon Cowell of the X-Factor, who is referred to as The "Viceroy of Venom," is not known for his clothing expertise, which pretty much consists of wearing either a simple black or a simple gray T-shirt. But word out of Tinsel Town is t...
Read full storyEric Bolling on Fox News 'The Five" flames out
Today on the afternoon idiot circle, Eric Bolling, went off on one of his most incredulous rants while at the same time ogling Kimberly Guilfoyle. It was at this time that Bob Beckel noticed smoke coming from the seat of Bolling's chair. Not sure...
Read full storyMy life as a man #15
It's gonna be a crap day! I don't know about you, but I can tell, from the get-go, what kind of day it's going to be as soon as I wake up. If I wake up hearing the birds happily chirping their hearts out and I want to get up and rip their tiny asshole hearts out, it's going to be a shitty day. If I wake up and hear the birds happily chirping their hearts out and I want to go out and fee...
Read full storyMan Utd take garlic, silver bullets and wooden stakes to Romania!
Man United arrived in Romania today and were rapidly transported off to their hotel before dark. Several players had cloves of garlic hanging around their necks to ward off any vampires that could have been hiding on the mens bogs at the airport.
Read full story"Everything Is A Liberal Conspiracy" Claims Sean Hannity
The most fair and balanced person on Fox News has delivered an astonishing verbal volley towards the mainstream media and liberal pollsters. In his latest rant on his daily conservative propaganda juggernaut, Sean "Fairness Personified" Hannity, r...
Read full storyNevada college course requires girls to masturbate
FALON NV (ABSNN) - "The teacher said I had to masturbate to pass his class," said WNC sophomore, Imanice Gurl, a 19-year-old who lives with her mother. "Momma says it's wrong to play with myself. I really don't know how. I guess I learn, though,...
Read full storyStreet Braille to be rolled out after a successful trial
In a bid to help the blind and partially sighted, a new scheme of Street Braille is to be rolled out across the UK after a successful trial in Stockport. Over the coming weeks, bumps will appear on pavements across Britain's streets informing the...
Read full storyDoubts over benefits of going orgasmic
Orgasmic sensations are no healthier than non-orgasmic experiences, such as heavy petting or routine fore-play. Professor Tom Peeping and his team of intrepid observers, from Clitoral College, claim that orgasmic induction methods cause more harm...
Read full storyFarmer saves buttocks from floods
During the recent floods in Yorkshire, local farmer Henry Shawtass managed to keep his buttocks dry whilst rescuing sheep from his flooded fields. Mr Shawtass - who is only 5 ft tall - went back to borrow his wife's high-heeled wellington...
Read full storyUniversity offers local pay deal
Bar staff at a Humberside pub could get extra payments - thanks to the unquenchable thirst of hardworking lecturers and professors at the local university. Since the introduction of all-day drinking, senior academics at Humberside University frequ...
Read full storyThe Mystery of Jacoby Ellsbury, Drood
Like an unfinished Charles Dickens novel, the life of the Red Sox centerfielder has taken on caricature and hyperbole during the 2012 season. With a few games left in the season, Ellsbury was yanked from the lineup for several games. No one was ta...
Read full storyRomney Hires Charlie Sheen to Manage His Troubled Campaign, Charlie is About WINNING and So AM I
In a recent and unexpected turn of events the Romney Campaign hires Charlie Sheen who is renowned for his WINNING philosophy as well as resurrecting seemingly dead careers as well as making several comebacks. Both Mr. Sheen and Gov. Romney desp...
Read full storyMitt Romney Fears He Will Implode During The Debate
WINNEMUCCA, Nevada - Mitt Romney was in Winnemucca, the town that the Paiute Indians named and which means place where bison frolick with wild stallions and look silly as the dickens. "Old Mittens" confided to his GOP campaign spokesperson Cooter...
Read full storySpeech from Movie, "The American President (1985)," Rewritten for 2012 Presidentail Debates
Washington, D.C - For the last several years, Governor Romney has been suggesting that being president of this country was, to a certain extent, about character. Well having served in the position for over three years, our President will tell you without hesitation: Being President and Commander and Chief of this country "is" entirely about character. We've watched and studied the Governor's pr...
Read full storyThe U.S. Post Office Is Having To Resort To Nudity
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Postal Service has found itself in the worse financial situation in history. According to official U.S. Government data reports, the USPS lost an amazingly unbelievable total of $5.2 billion during the third qu...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: The Judges Put Bristol Palin In Last Place
HOLLYWOOD - Bristol "The Pistol" Palin called herself a redneck woman and the ol' gal could very well find herself moseying on back up to Wasilla, Alaska. According to Hollywood Innuendo's Fajita San Guacamole, Bristol and her partner Mark "Tattoo...
Read full storyMaster Baiter Catches Big Fish
Toledo, OH - At the end of a long day on Toledo Bend Lake with very little luck, master baiter Sam Bigton finally caught the winning fish of the day at the annual statewide competition. After three hours of struggling with a 36" Black Bass, he won th...
Read full storyWorld Ends!!! - Planet Earth destroyed in cosmic blast
New York - In an emergency appearance today before the United Nations, a team of international scientists reported that the world has ended. The stunning announcement came during a special session of the UN Security Council, during which scientists f...
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