Limahl Sent Back To The Eighties After Jungle Ordeal
Today's barely remembered celebrity to be voted off ITV's 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!' was eighties pop singer Limahl. The Kajagoogoo front man, who cleverly rearranged the letters of his surname Hamill to come up with his stage name, exp...
Read full storyBristol Man Hot Favourite for Turner Prize
Controversial artist Miles Taipan is thought to be hot favourite for next years Turner Prize. Miles' last 'piece' for which he shat upon one of the lions in Trafalgar Square went viral on Utube and made headlines around the world. The actual excrement was gathered up by his curator and sold on Ebay. His proposed piece for next year's Turner threatens to be just as controversial. Some critics consi...
Read full storySheffield declared an island after UK submerged
Sheffield remains the only city in the UK not to be submerged under at least an inch of water, leading major map manufacturers to redraw the island of the UK as just a small blob near the Isle of Man with a few scattered islands around it. "The wh...
Read full storySarah Palin to host TLC's 'Hunting from Hueys' in January
ATLANTA, Georgia (ABSNN) - The Learning Channel, once home to NASA, now home to Honey Boo Boo, has signed former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to a two-year, weekly outdoor, hunting themed show called "Hunting from Hueys." "We are exceptionally plea...
Read full storyRetching is catching
Watching someone retch can induce feelings of sickness in the watchers. Retching is more contagious than yawning and laughter - except when these latter two reactions are undertaken simultaneously whilst eating a biscuit. In which case, retching...
Read full storySpeaker John Boehner on the Fiscal Cliff: "Everything's on the Table Except My Benefits"
Washington - During a Thanksgiving message to the nation, John Boener (R), Speaker of the House, revealed that he was absolutely and unswerving committed to avoiding the impending fiscal cliff at all cost. The Speaker promised to sit down in t...
Read full storyEskimos disagree that nudity in public means free speech; it's f+++++g madness!
Nudist lovers in San Francisco where the weather tends to be slightly kinder to the naked body than Alaska, Greenland, Iceland, Siberia, etc, are claiming that nudity in public means "free speech". The San Francisco authorities have passed legisla...
Read full storyAussie Cricketer Smashes Up Dressing Room, Again
After demolishing a third dressing room in recent weeks, Australian international cricketer Daniel Christian has been suspended by his state team South Australia. His latest violent outburst was thought to be as a consequence of another poor perfo...
Read full storyMost Marijuana Smokers Can't Recall if they Voted to Legalizing Marijuana or Not.
John Posey of Bent Creek in Washington State says he remembers telling his friends that he intended to vote to legalize marijuana when that initiative was offered on the November 6th ballot. However, Mr. Posey also stated that he got high on some...
Read full storyPresident Forgets To Pardon 45,999,998 Turkeys
WASHINGTON, Nov. 22 -- In a pre-Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House yesterday afternoon, President Obama continued a much-beloved American tradition and forgot to pardon approximately 45,999,998 turkeys. Cobbler and Gobbler, two turkeys who h...
Read full storyObama pardons America's fattest and stupidest turkey: Karl Rove of Fox News
WASHINTON, DC (ABSNN) - President Barack Obama carried on the tradition of pardoning a turkey this Thanksgiving, but the recipient of the clemency, Karl Rove, was not at all impressed. "We received requests to pardon more than 50,000 turkeys this...
Read full storyWalmart's Grey Thursday Takes The 'Thanksgiving' Out Of Thanksgiving
The intense focus on post Thanksgiving retail selling initiated by Black Friday has now been one-upped by Walmart's new play of starting specials on Thanksgiving night, thus luring people out of their homes on a major family holiday. It also forces W...
Read full storyNo Worries For Dorries As She's Booted Out Of The Jungle
Occassional Conservative MP and full-time attention seeker Nadine Dorries has become the first person to be voted off ITV's 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here'. Dorries, who's not even a celebrity, became the first sitting MP since George Gallowa...
Read full storyIrish Bookies offer odds on Chelsea Boss and BBC DG
Irish bookmaker Super Paddy are offering punters the chance to bet who will remain longer in their job. The new Chelsea Manager Rafael Benitez or the new BBC Director General Tony Hall. "We really don't give Rafa much chance of getting to the end...
Read full storyPresident of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, up in arms over spam texts
The President of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, is now up in arms over spam texts, although, it must be added that on this occasion, it's not firearms. Palestinians throughout Gaza are being inundated with unwanted spam text messages ur...
Read full storyKent Bigfoot traced to Lisa Marie Presley's country pile
Garden of England - "Maybe it's an escapee from the Scientologists' Saint Hill Manor bunker," retired local X-Files sleuth Bob 'Mulder' Damson commented as news of the eight foot beastie's sighting broke. The ruddy-furred yeti seen marauding Royal...
Read full storyThe Computer That Writes its own Stuff
It is a sobering thought that individual creative endeavour in literature and film making may be at an end. The teaching profession is in disarray over the recent announcement. Indeed, this controversial invention may spell the end of fiction writing...
Read full storyRomney Announces 2016 White House Bid - With Hot Latina Wife This Time!
San Diego, CA - Mitt Romney slouched in his overstuffed chair at Boston's Fairmont Hotel on election night, watching the results come in on Fox news. Aids pandered him with praise and false patronage, as his chances of world domination slipped throug...
Read full storyCeltics Giving Thanks, but No Thanks on Thanksgiving
The Celtics now lose by leaps and bounds. If Superman can leap over tall buildings, the Celtics found themselves playing like Clark Kent when he forgot where he put his cape. In a game where rebounds are everywhere, there is not a drop in the buck...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Tells Brad Pitt - Lose Weight Or I Won't Marry You
NEW YORK CITY - Angelina Jolie has shown that when she gets upset her nails come out and she starts scratching whatever is handy in order to make her point. And her latest point deals with soon-to-be-hubby Brad Pitt's sudden weight gain. Jolie...
Read full storyVanessa Hudgens Agrees To Record A Song With Steven Tyler
EL SEGUNDO, California - Vanessa Hudgens, who got her start starring in The High School Musical series, was recently seen having a pepperoni and peanut butter pizza at the Pompous Pizza Parlor in El Segundo. She was sitting with a friend identifie...
Read full storyApple surgically extracted from Rush's posterior
Washington DC - After announcing the success of his "make it fail" program, Rush celebrated on air by swallowing a whole apple. At first he felt fine. Then the listeners heard sirens as Rush was rushed to the hospital for surgery. Rush is in fine...
Read full storyRomney sells Disneyland for 1 Trillion Rupees
According to Indian sources, bored with post election-loosing movie hopping and pumping his own gas, Mitt flipped Disney Land for a tidy profit today. All personnel will be replaced with robots controlled from New Delhi, India. The Indian gover...
Read full storyA List of 10 Little Known Facts About Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton is a 31-year-old Tinsel Town socialite who grew up with a convenient silver spoon in her mouth. She has succeeded in showing America that just because someone is worth $100 million doesn't exactly mean that they could pass a standard comprehensive test or even get a passing score on the Rorschach Inkblot Test. Paris has expressed an interest in wanting to be one of the celebrit...
Read full storyUnderperforming Rafael Benitez Sacked By Chelsea
Chelsea dictator Roman Abramovich has decided to relieve recently appointed manager Rafa Benitez of his duties after no games in charge. The news will come as no shock to most football fans as Abramovich is a notoriously hard man to please, a fact...
Read full storySavile Inquiry - Bookies Tighten the Odds
Bookies in the UK are now taking a more level headed approach to the Jimmy Savile inquiry and are offering the following odds in the case. Odds Against politicians appearing in the dock on paedophilia charges resulting from inquiry. (1) One politician appearing.... 33/1. (2) Two politicians appearing... 50/1. (3) More than two... 1000/1. (4) Member of the cabinet appearing...2000/1. (5)...
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