Lindsay Lohan Urges Demi Moore To Get Herself Into Rehab
LOS ANGELES - In what has got to be one of the most perfect examples of the old cliché of the pot calling the kettle black, comes word out of LaLaLand that Lindsay "LiLo" Lohan has urged Demi "The Cougar" Moore to admit that she needs to check hersel...
Read full storyLake Vostok twinned with Bazalgette's Thames Super Sewer blueprints
Antarctica - Russian glaciologists today measured the ancient alien latrine by sonar and said it looks remarkably like blueprints for the proposed £5 billion Thames Super Sewer. This was first dreamed up by renowned Victorian civil engineer Sir Jo...
Read full storyManchester United Fanzine 'Red Issue' Accused Of Scousism
The Manchester United fanzine, Red Issue, was accused by the media of Scousism today, after it published a cut out and keep Ku Klux Klan mask bearing a 'Luis Suarez is innocent' slogan. For anyone who has been sleeping rough in a skip throughout t...
Read full storyThe Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt VIII; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery
My friend Shylock Humes and I were crouching on the lawn of the villa of Colonel Clavicord, late of the Bengal Dancers, waiting for our friends from Scotland Yard to gather their forces for the final push into the villa, where it was my fervent hope that we would at last encounter the denouement of The Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose. Shylock Humes turned to me. In order to do this, he...
Read full storySantorum Prohibits Possession of Birth Control Pills at Campaign Events
RED BANK, NJ (AP) Former senator Rick Santorum (R-13th Century) drew criticism from both wings of the political bird yesterday when his campaign spokesman, Cardinal Ignatius Glick, held a news conference to announce that no birth control pills would...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Swears That She Is Finished With Dating Sports Figures and From Now On She Is Sticking To Hollywood Celebrities
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Kim Kardashian recently remarked that after her 72-day marriage to NBA basketball star Kris Humphries ended in her filing for divorce she has sat down and thought about what she really wants in a man. The Hollywood celeb who is pe...
Read full storyJapan moving to Mars
TOKYO - The emperor of Japan has announced that Japan will be "Moving to Mars" by 2020. According to sources close to the emperor's secret compound, the plan to move Japan to Africa was foiled by huge insects that terrified Japanese school children...
Read full storyAre Blondes Dumb?
Question: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: Five, one to hold the light bulb and four to spin the ladder around! Recently a friend emailed me several Blonde jokes, including the one above. I first heard this "dumb" joke in the playgrounds of the 1940s, but they weren't Blondes who were spinning the ladder around. Back then the "they" were Americans of certai...
Read full storyFootball Association to introduce Centre of Excellence for Handshaking
The English FA today announced a multi-million pound investment in a brand new centre of Handshaking as they admitted that English football has fallen behind the world in pre-match handshaking. FA Director of fence sitting, Sir Trevor Fencing CBE...
Read full storyThe Lift: An Everyday Story Of Office Folk.
To: Allstaff From: Reception. 13:15 14/05/11 Sorry to report that the lift is not workin today. If you are expectin any visitors please come to receptionto meet them and not leave them to find their way to your offices by theirselves. Anyone goin for a drink after work? Its happy hour on fridays at the Duke. Laura in reception. xxx To: Laura Twist From: MD office 13:17 14/05/11...
Read full storyTrumpster 'Tee-D Off'
Donald Trumpster has once again attacked Scotland; this time over its plans to build thousands of offshore high velocity wind farms. The wind swept hair guru wrote an terse letter to first minister Dillon Salmon about the proposed plans to develo...
Read full storyFergie Calls Luis Suarez - "A Disgrace To Liverpool Football Club"
In an astonishingly outspoken post match interview on Sky Sports, Sir Alex Ferguson branded Luis Suarez: "A disgrace to Liverpool Football Club" and went on to say that Suarez's actions, in refusing to shake the hand of United's Patrice Evra, could h...
Read full storyPlanned Parenthood Acquires Chick-fil-A Chain -- Offers Drive Thru Abortions on Sundays.
WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) In a press release issued yesterday, Planned Parenthood announced that it had purchased the Cick-fil-A corporation and would soon begin utilizing locations that are normally closed on Sunday to offer drive through abortions inste...
Read full storySpitting Ban Is Breach Of Human Rights Claim Expectorators
A London council's plans to ban spitting are a breach of human rights says a national pressure group. Enfield Council has collected 3,700 signatures on a petition calling for the ban and now is asking local government minister Eric Pickles to appr...
Read full storyPatrice Evra Goes Slightly Mad At Full Time
Manchester United defender Patrice Evra went slightly mad at Old Trafford this afternoon, as referee, Phil Dowd blew for full time, heralding a 2-1 win for United over bitter rivals, Liverpool. Two goals from Wayne Rooney in the space of three min...
Read full storyTotal eclipse of The Sun feared as dawn raids nab eight
London - NewsCorpse astrologers are studying occultation reports after a 6am bust of eight suspects thought to be involved in mobile hacking corruption scams. The solar flare-up saw five Sun employees, an MoD jobsworth, a Surrey police officer and...
Read full storyAllergy Safe Peanuts now a possibility
Finally there will be no more need for the warning on packaging that indicates that the product 'May Contain Nuts' as scientists at Lancaster University have isolated the allergen that causes the allergy [as opposed an allergen that doesn't? - ED].
Read full storySuperbowl Turns 10,000 Straight, Married Men Gay
Once the end credits rolled and the Superbowl went to the NY Giants a lot of the viewers felt somehow different. Superbowl XLVI had many hetro males in the audience reeling from all the gayness in the game this year. First it was the David Beckha...
Read full storyObama Taking Medical Marijuana: Mr. President or Hey Dude?
WASHINGTON --- White House aides confirm President Obama has been taking medical marijuana for several months. A Staffer emphasized that, "medical marijuana is permitted for those suffering chronic pain." "That chronic pain includes his mother-in-law...
Read full storyCharles Dickens's Ghost Ate My Goldfish
Shock stories emerged from London, England, yesterday that the ghost of the world famous author had returned on the 200th anniversary of his birth. One spine-tingling story concerned the mysterious disappearance of young David Copperfield's pet go...
Read full storyIan Somerhalder Receives A Fantastic Valentine's Day Present From His Vampire Diaries Co-Star Nina Dobrev
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev took a nice drive out to the Hollywood sign where they were sitting in Dobrev's burgundy colored Cadillac Escalade SUV with the personalized license plate Elena G. The two were enjoying the beautif...
Read full storyPolitical News for W/E 11th Februrary 2012 - with comments
5th February 2012: Make those who can afford it pay a prescription charge to visit GPs Category: NHS Link: The People - by Nigel Nelson We Brits are a soppy lot, hopelessly sentimental about young furry animals, old furry slippers and the NHS. And that's why we have the same reluctance to change our 63-year-old health service as we do our worn out footwear. "Who then decides who can afford...
Read full storyMy Senior Moments this week - W/E 11th February 2012
Saturday 4th February 2012: * Got everything ready for the visit to the doctors to have the stitches out on Monday... then realised it was Saturday and not Monday today. * Fell asleep again, pan of soup incinerated - again managed to salvage the saucepan though. Sunday 5th February 2012: * Broke up bread for pigeons ready for when it got light to feed them, then realised I'd broken the...
Read full storyNottingham News for W/E 11th February 2012 - with comments
4th February 2012: Nottingham Lottery winners "still claiming benefits" after £10 million jackpot win! Category: Lottery Link: This is Nottingham - Greedy Lottery Winners Mick and Jean O'Shea won the huge EuroMillions sum in 2005, but Mr O'Shea still receives £500 a month disability allowance because it is not means-tested, it was reported in a national newspaper. The paper claimed that the...
Read full storyThe Mystery Of Puddleby Cove - Featuring The Spiffing Six - Episode Three
Update - The story so far... The Spiffing Six (Of whom there are four, and a somewhat priapic dog,) have arrived at Aunt Peg's cottage at Puddleby Cove, and have encountered a mysterious figure, flitting about amongst the rocks in the cove, in a highly suspicious manner. The Spiffing Six attempted to pursue the suspicious character, but - hampered by overindulgence in food, Headbanger beer, and a...
Read full storyPope reaches deal with Obama on birth control
Washington DC - According to local nuns here, Catholics will not be required to carry birth-control devices in plain-sight when they leave home. In a special ceremony conducted behind closed-doors, a resolution was reached at the White House. Ac...
Read full storyPulp Friction - Rob Schneider vs Samuel L Jackson
Samuel L. Jackson star of such films as "Snakes on a Plane" and it's box office smash prequel "Rise of the Revenge of Bees on a Crane: This time Payback is Personal" abandons plans to construct a palace made entirely of human hair and egg boxes. B...
Read full storyThe North Korean Wide Web
Kim Jong Un, the newly appointed leader of the Democratic People's Republic Of Korea (DPRK), is quickly distinguishing himself as a visionary leader. At his command, the ruling party has formed a committee of high ranking officials assigned the task of introducing the world to DPRK's citizens. In a country with few computers and almost non-existent internet access, regular folk can now surf the...
Read full storyAlien Babies Hatch from PIP Breast Implants
MARY Bacon, a thirty eight year old ex-military officer, has been found to be mothering twin extra-terrestrial creatures in her loft at her home in Derbyshire. Not only this, but Mary claims that the twin aliens hatched from her newly enhanced breasts. This shocking revelation has brought a vast and, frankly, horrific conspiracy into the foreground. THE BEGINNING Mary received the PIP breast...
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