Alien Babies Hatch from PIP Breast Implants

Written by amyinsaney

Saturday, 11 February 2012


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

MARY Bacon, a thirty eight year old ex-military officer, has been found to be mothering twin extra-terrestrial creatures in her loft at her home in Derbyshire. Not only this, but Mary claims that the twin aliens hatched from her newly enhanced breasts. This shocking revelation has brought a vast and, frankly, horrific conspiracy into the foreground.


Mary received the PIP breast implants from a private clinic called The ACC in Dorchester in April of 2011, and claims she was thoroughly impressed with the work she received. "I was very happy with the implants. They looked so natural and my husband loved them," She gushes in an exclusive interview for this website. However, everything turned sour in late September.

"I noticed that a greenish tint developed on the skin and occasionally they would move of their own accord. I started to get uneasy when they began making noises - moaning and strange metallic sounds in the middle of the night - and they started swelling, eventually reaching the size of beach balls. I also began feeling sick in the mornings, something I have only every experienced before when pregnant with my son ten years ago. I didn't go to the doctor's because I really liked the way that they looked."


And sure enough, less than a month later, Mary experienced excruciating pain in her breasts, violent movement and loud screeching issuing from inside of them. She was eating breakfast one morning, after her son and husband had left the house, when her left breast exploded onto the table, revealing masses of green fluid and a small, purple creature, its figure similar to that of a baby. Minutes later, her right breast did the same, and Mary, in severe shock and pain, inspected the creatures.

"They were covered in this green slime, but I could tell that their skin was purple. I couldn't believe that these... beings had come from me! They were similar to a human baby in size, but their heads and eyes were way bigger than I had ever seen before. Their fingers and toes are webbed and their limbs very long and thin, but, to me, they're beautiful. They're the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life."


In the months that followed, Mary quietly cared for the alien creatures in her loft. She used an old pram and blankets that once belonged to her son Francis to create a bed for the two of them, until they were too big to share, and recycled old baby clothes. She even used Francis' old dummies to pacify the creatures when she had to leave them alone for a while.

"It made me so happy, to be a mum again. When children grow up... well, they don't need their parents as much as they used to. Before the babies came, there were often times when I felt like Francis didn't even need me anymore. Personally, I blame that school he goes to. They take my child away from me for six hours a day, they wouldn't let him wear a nappy to school, they took his dummy away from him, and he even has to do work! He's only ten, bless his heart; they make them grow up so fast!"

She claims that the aliens grew at an alarming rate, and within a few weeks were around the size of a five year old child. Their heads were bulbous and their skin often changed from purple to green, dependent upon their emotions.


Throughout all this time, Mary kept the existence of the twins a secret from her husband, the paediatrician Dr Chris P. Bacon. He claims to have been "going through a difficult time at work" and so didn't particularly notice his wife disappearing every evening for hours at a time to care for the aliens.

"To be honest, I was grateful for the peace," he said when questioned. "All she does mostly is nag on at me about how I never put the loo seat down and how I never do anything but watch the footie, and I really didn't need any extra stress at the time. I only noticed that things were weird when she started buying baby food."

Dr Bacon found several stacks of pots of baby food one evening in early November when Mary was inadvertently in the loft and he was searching for an extra can of beer.

"I knew she was fond of babying Francis, but I didn't think she'd go this far." He said.

Later in that month he received a credit card bill which included charges for five hundred packs of Pampers nappies, a giant, pink, glow in the dark mobile, and two white gold plated cribs. The total came to several thousand pounds, and Dr Bacon claims that this was the point when he realised that something was going on.

"When I got the bill, I was livid. I looked all over the house for Mary, and I thought she must have gone out, but then Francis suggested the loft, and I noticed that the loft hatch had been left hanging open. So I went up there, and there was Mary, dressing these two monsters in bonnets and baby-grows!"


Furious with his wife, Dr Bacon immediately contacted his local police station, despite Mary's protests, and the situation gained interest from scientists from across the globe, who flocked to Derbyshire in the hope that they could be the ones to finally uncover the secrets of extra terrestrial life.
Meanwhile, Mary had barricaded herself in the loft with the alien babies "to protect them", determined that she should get to keep them.

"They're my babies." She says. "I raised them. They grew inside my body. Sure, they didn't come from my womb, but, in actuality, they came from a place much closer to my heart."

Mrs Bacon has hired the world renowned child guardianship lawyer, Daniel "Dan" Druff, to represent her case in court next month, in which he will argue that the rightful guardianship belongs to the Bacon family, and that any attempt to dissect and/or perform scientific experiments upon the alien creatures is strictly illegal and infringes upon the rights of the creatures, human or not.

The story has attracted much attention around the country, particularly in mothers who believe that Mary should have the right to keep her "children". One prominent supporter of the case is Mariah Carey - one of those celebrity mothers who seem to be constantly pregnant. On her twitter, she posted:

"Don't lose heart, Mary. Love for your children is unconditional, whether they are human or not. #NeverGiveUp"


However, a far more serious case lurks beneath the surface of this story. Upon further investigation into the clinic at which Mary Bacon received her breast implants, a shocking conspiracy has come to light. It has been revealed that the ACC in Dorchester, a large and popular clinic for those wanting breast enhancements, has been implanting alien eggs as part of their surgical procedure for almost a year.

The ACC, whose initials have been revealed to stand for "Alien Collaboration Clinic", began the production of PIP breast implants at their surgery in early 2011, and have sold the implants to various other clinics across the country. Further investigation has revealed these PIP implants to be the round, full eggs of aliens, the name standing for Puny Ignorant People.

The chairman of The ACC, who wishes to remain unnamed, has issued a statement, in which he said that the "procedure was initiated by a group of aliens," who threatened to "abduct" his entire family and "throw them in a black hole" unless he thought of a way to incubate the alien eggs inside a human host, allowing them to grow and eventually take over Earth.

He concluded the statement with the following: "What you must understand is that we were thoroughly unwilling to cause any pain to any of our customers. We will be offering all of them a free giftcard to our clinic for a treatment or procedure of their choice."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more