Queen to celebrate Diamond Jubilee by getting smashed
Queen Elizabeth II is to celebrate her 60 years on the throne by going on the mother of all benders with other members of the Royal family. She is hoping to start the day by getting twatted on champagne in the Bonapartes pub on Buckingham Palace R...
Read full storyMore cuddly toys as a child improves name memory
Loughborough University students have conducted the largest study into what allows some people to remember people's names better than others and have come to the remarkable conclusion that it is directly proportional to the number of cuddly toys owne...
Read full storySupreme Court Rejects Obamacare and Declares the Constitution Unconstitutional
After just a few days of discussing the Obamacare mandate, there has been a sudden and surprising turn of events. Not only has the court rejected the controversial mandate, it has also rejected the constitution. In a unanimous vote, the constitution...
Read full storyPanic as Cameron's face appears on a slice of GCHQ toast
London - A canteen lady at the UK's premier listening station nearly got the sack today after a slice of charred toast was mistaken for a deliberate April Fools prank. Mrs Doris Carnoustie was serving GCHQ CEO Sir Monty Dambusta his usual breakfas...
Read full storyMale Spoof Writers Inundated By Sex-Starved Groupies
Male writers on satirical (yet not at all funny) website TheSpoof.co.uk appear to be having the time of their lives, as they are drowning in a sea of marriage proposals, date offers, and emails featuring a plethora of ladies in various states of undr...
Read full storyDavid Cameron Is Not A Liar Claims Ex-Government Minister!
A Tory ex-Cabinet Minister has sensationally claimed that ill-health is likely to force David Cameron to hand in his resignation as Prime Minister within the next few days. The claim was made by Ex-Austerity Minister Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenw...
Read full storyAmbulance Ambiguity
The East Riding of Yorkshire's ambulance service has won an award for being environmentally friendly. The service -which is more famous for it's slow response time and high patient death ratio- began its radical environmental overhaul last year. "...
Read full storyDalglish For The Chop Following April Fool's Day Debacle
Insiders today reported that Kenny Dalglish faces the sack at his beloved Anfield, following yet another Liverpool defeat - their sixth in seven games - away to Newcastle United, with the Geordies running out easy winners by a 2-0 margin. In a dis...
Read full storyJeremy Lin's Knee Has "had it"
In an interview with ESPN's Michael Breen Saturday, Jeremy Lin's left knee announced its decision to suspend any and all rigorous physical activity on the part of its host in an attempt to "put some chill on all the 'Linsanity' bullshit." "Seriou...
Read full storyMature Munters To Be Replaced By Sexy Asian Babes
In a dramatic twist of editorial policy, marginally funny comedy website, TheSpoof.co.uk has announced that its wildly unpopular Mature Dating advertisements are to be replaced by more upmarket advertising campaigns featuring sexy Asian babes, and ho...
Read full storyBombastic 2012 Olympics about to become the greatest, most expensive Olympics ever; of course they're in England!
England, better known as the UK, are about to launch their version of the Olympics onto an innocent world of sports fans who enjoy people running, jumping, swimming, cycling, riding horses, playing silly buggars in swimming pools, etc, etc. But there...
Read full storyFlorida Bunny Killer says 'I was just making breakfast!'
WINTER HAVEN, FL (ABSNN) -A thirty-five year old Winter Haven, Florida man stands accused of serial murder today and faces years in prison. Reginald Owen Seer, Jr. claims the slaughter of the innocents was food preparation. His wife and Win...
Read full storyAT&T Commercial Features Neurotic Teenage Stalker
AT&T has unveiled its latest TV commercial, "Silent Treatment." The spot is intended to celebrate the advantage of having AT&T's messaging plan. It opens with the new spokeswoman for AT&T, a neurotic teenage girl, sitting in her room...
Read full storyBuddhist Admits Present Moment Not So Great
After decades of dharma talks, retreats, and solo meditation sittings - the sole aim of which was to fully experience the present moment - Buddhist Ken Foley finally admitted that the present moment was not so great. "I don't regret anything," say...
Read full storyMature Dating Woman Finds Romance In The Back Of White Transit Van
Veteran mature internet dating woman, Cindy Lott, 56, from Hackney has finally announced on her Arsebook wall that after six months of desperate searching, she finally struck gold and copped off with a garage mechanic in the back of a white Transit v...
Read full storyFrench scientists: Heterosexual houseflies pair up and remain faithful
A team of scientists at France's Lyons University has found that houseflies, just like humans, fall in love and live in twosomes. Unlike humans though who often remarry after the death of a spouse, houseflies find the loss of a partner so immense...
Read full storyApril Fools: Your Mother Is Dead
BREAKING (WTFM) - In the single most tasteless attempt at a joke fate could muster, your mother has died on April Fool's Day. You receive the call from your sister around 3:00 AM - a particularly sadistic time because of the fact that you have to...
Read full storyHerbert Saddoh marries blow-up doll, first wife not happy
Herbert Saddoh of Dorking has married his favourite blow-up doll, Cindy nee Mark Three, in a civic ceremony at Dorking Town Hall. Unfortunately, Saddoh is now being sued by his first wife, Cindy nee Mark Two, whom he failed to divorce prior to the se...
Read full storyMiracle: Man's Memory Instantly Restored
CHESTER, Pa. (WTFM) --- It was a hot, summer afternoon in mid-August, 1962, when a twelve-year-old Robert Tiller and his younger brother, Pete, decided they would bury a jar of pennies in their backyard. Two years later, they decided to dig it...
Read full storySelected Political News for W/E 1st April 2012 - with comments
Monday 26th March: Topic: David Cameron - NHS Dementia is a national crisis like HIV and cancer, says David Cameron Source: The Telegraph The Prime Minister is likely to argue that dementia is a "scandal" being ignored, as he unveils a doubling in funding for research into the illness to £66 million by 2015. In a speech in central London, he will describe dementia as a "quiet crisis that stea...
Read full storyNottingham News for W/E 1st April 2012 - with comments
Monday 26th March: Topic: This is Nottingham Poll "After watching Channel 4 show Coppers, has your opinion of Nottinghamshire Police..." Source: Coppers - Nottingham Poll results: Improved - 60% Worsened - 26% Remained unchanged - 14% Comment:Take a peep at the source link video, see what you think. I have no views to air on the subject, but if I do ever see policeman in my area who is n...
Read full storyMy Senior Moments - W/E Sunday 1st April 2012
Monday 26th March: * Up early as usual, encourage to be so by the chest pains, I got a cuppa then went on laptop to the Spoof, then made a humorous graphic, posting link to the Spoof forum. Pleased with myself, I paid a visit to the WC... to find I'd left the heater on all night once again! Monday 26th March: * Walked into the city to getbird seed. Got the bus home, got in... and wondered wh...
Read full story40 One-liner views on Individual UK Politicians - old & new!
(1) Ken Livingstone "I don't think he is a fool: but what's my opinion compared to that of millions of others!" (2) Nick Clegg "His supporters would follow him anywhere... mostly out of morbid curiosity!" (3) Ed Miliband "He doesn't let his mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own!" (4) Theresa May "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet!"...
Read full storyJackie Mason Forgives Gal pal for Alleged Assault
Comedian Jackie Mason is now willing to forgive and forget what police say was an assault on him by his decades-younger girlfriend. Mason even joked about the case, using a slight variation on a famous line of the late Borsht Belt comedic genius Hen...
Read full storyLife In A Parallel Universe
Scientists working at the National Radio Astronomy Observatory (known as the Very Large Array or VLA) near Magdelena, New Mexico called a news conference today to make a startling announcement. Following is a transcript: "Good morning ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr Ellie Arroway, chief scientist and spokesperson for the NRAO here in New Mexico. We've called you here today to announce an...
Read full storyMaryland Housewife Loses Lottery
Baltimore, MD - Despite six days of careful planning, Janet McNary learned Wednesday that she will not be receiving a lottery jackpot of over two-hundred million dollars. The 34-year-old McNary, a housewife from the suburbs of Maryland, had meticulo...
Read full storyTeen who crashed wedding found not guilty
The teenage boy who crashed the wedding of Chloe Moretz has been found not guilty of all charges against him. In summing up the judge, Ernest Borgnine, stated: 'This is the best damn show I have seen in ages, and I wish I had been there.' The b...
Read full storyJoan Rivers Denies That Her And Rush Limbaugh Were Once Lovers
MANHATTAN - Joan Rivers was back at her old stomping grounds in the Big Apple visiting a couple of old friends; her gynecologist, Dr. Abdul Goldengrass and her cellulite specialist, Dr. Okaloosa Luluette Lickachevski. Rivers, who is known as "The...
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