Riots: Police blame lack of intelligence
A spokesperson for New Scotland Yard, Chief Inspector White, known as Whitewash of The Yard, has blamed "a lack of Police intelligence." For the poor police response to the rioting of the past few nights in the streets of London and other British cit...
Read full storyEngland Riots: Public Enemy Number One
England was tonight bracing itself for yet another night of civil unrest and rioting. Violence and destruction is no longer confined to London and the London boroughs, and has now spread as far as Manchester and Leeds, Bristol, Wolverhampton and Birm...
Read full storyLuting 'highly exaggerated' say Queen's madrigal players
London - The Gloriana Madrigal Ensemble is up in arms tonight amid accusations their voice is being drowned out by some over-the-top public luting. Rival entertainers the Balham Balalaika Bollox - er...Luton Lute Society! - are set to play at a Wa...
Read full storyTheresa May Authorizes Water Pistols to MET Riot Control Officers: 7500 Call In Sick !
Home Secretary Theresa May appeared to anger many in London yesterday after refusing to authorize the use of water cannon as mobs continued to loot and burn down many historical sites in the city and surrounding suburbs leaving homeowners and business owners to fend for themselves. The Home Secretary denied reports she is lobbying to replace EU Rep Barrenness Arsecrass by her restrained actions...
Read full storyChiswick vigilantes to defend Turnham Green
Reports are coming in from Chiswick that a band of rowdy yoga mums have looted the artisan bakery and made off with all the walnut and sun blushed tomato bread. The angry mob, wearing pink pashminas to cover their faces, were seen to perform seve...
Read full storyThe Clash reach No. 1 as London's Burning!
In the wake of the horrendous riots gutting the suburbs of London, the eighties punk band, The clash, have decided to re-release their superb hit of yesteryear, "London's Burning". Within 5 minutes it had sold out in London shops that weren't affe...
Read full storyRoman Britain: A Lesson From History
Britannia was known throughout the Roman Empire as being one of the most difficult provinces to govern. It required three entire legions to maintain order, compared with only one for the larger area of Hispania. The problem lay largely with the unruly natives, which the Romans named the Chavium. All we know about these people comes from Roman writers, as the native Britons were completely illit...
Read full storyCraven Haven
Milford Haven Council has voted by a landslide to rename the town in embarrassment. The name was fairly innocuous until the invention of the word "milf", meaning an older lady (or mother) deemed eligible for intercourse. Now the town regularly has it...
Read full storyTaser to spice up water cannon deployment as Cameron's flagship Hug-A-Hoodie policy bombs
London - Police have vowed to corral evil rioters with surgical kettling deploying electronic stun guns and water cannon combos to shock rampaging mobs. The 50,000-volt charges are said to respond extremely well to sodden clothing and lank locks i...
Read full storyJackie O's Secret Tapes Reveal A Shockingly Salacious Secret
BOSTON - Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy was the epitome of a classy political wife. She was married to the president of the United States, the youthful, effervescent John Fitzgerald Kennedy of the Hyannis Port, Massachusetts' Kennedy's. Jackie, as the...
Read full storyDoomsday! Obama Prepares to Evacuate Capitol, Activate Northcom, Cancel Election!
In a shocking breach of security reports have leaked out that Obama is prepared to activate his "Doomsday" plan to insure his re election under the guise of a 'National Emergency" which would threaten the stability of the United States of America!...
Read full storyGaddafi calls airstrike to support British rebels
Colonel Gaddafi has called on Arab nations to support the British rebels who are fighting isolated battles across London against Cameron's imposed oppressive coalition regime. Gaddafi says that it is time to support the freedom of the people of Brita...
Read full storyThe Christina Aguilera - Kelly Osbourne Feud Is Getting Quite Heated!
NEW YORK CITY - The daughter of America's Got Talent Judge Sharon Osbourne and the rock and roll Prince of Darkness Ozzy Osbourne is showing that she's got a pretty good potty mouth on her and she is not afraid to show it. Kelly Osbourne, visiting...
Read full storyLondon Riots: Chiswick Man Demands Explanation
A west London man is demanding to know why rioters who have run amok in London over the past few days have ignored Chiswick. Garfield Menshevik, 42, was looking forward to an enforced day off after watching the riots on the TV news on Monday night...
Read full storyMetropolitan Police's plans
London, England. Monday. Police have finally developed a feasible plan to control or even cease the level of rioting and looting happening in the city streets today. Over the course of the last 48 hours, Metropolitan Police have devised a number of o...
Read full storyUSA downgraded to"Shit For Brains" status by leading world indicator!
WorldRank.org, the leading ranking organization for the world's nations stunned the world last night when it announced that the United States of America had been downgraded to Shit for Brains (SFB) status. The spokesman for WorldRank spoke to rep...
Read full storyBong fires of the vanities erupt over Britain
London - A spate of nationwide arson attacks was being blamed today on dodgy 'bongs' similar to one that caused the 1666 Great Fire of London. Ministry of Skunk sources issued an immediate recall of the entire 'Zomby' range of imported hookahs fol...
Read full storyShock Preview: Age of Anarchy Part 1
No one expected a sneak preview of the forthcoming blockbuster 'The Age of Anarchy Part 1' but the launch of the preview was a phenomenal success with wall to wall coverage in all media outlets. 'It had just the right amount of terror and mayhem'...
Read full storyLondon Riots spread to Dublin
Hot on the heels of the recent unrest in London, it has been reported that riots have now spread to Dublin. There were rumours last night that up to 3 pints of Guinness had been spilled in the past two hours in the centre of Dublin, and Irish Prim...
Read full storyGaga's Meat Dress Mystery brings Ellen into Questioning by Police
In the early hours of Monday, August 6, 2011 the NYPD responded to a phone call from Lady Gaga claiming there was a robbery in her apartment. A screen window had been removed and glass was broken leading from the balcony to the inside. Gaga claim...
Read full storyDirty Limericks
When you want to class up a magazine, nothing says "class" like a good dirty limerick. So we proudly present a few of them. What's that, you say? They're too blunt and could use subtler innuendo? As they go along, the meter becomes increasingly weak?…
Read full storyDesperate Obama Seeks Advice from Gordon "Goldfinger" Brown on Liquidation of Gold Reserves!
Barry Obama, faced with the reality of an economic catastrophe which could cause him to be a one term President, initiated a crisis management call to former UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown seeking liquidity and re election advice. (Ed. Note: you...
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