Going into this afternoon's earnings report, analysts had been expecting to see crack whores report earnings of 50 cents per share. Excluding one time items, crack whores stated their quarterly earnings were 54 cents. During the same period last y...
The rattling in Jim Duncan's 1994 Pontiac is getting difficult to ignore. As winter quickly approaches, Duncan has been biting his nails at the thought of a major repair. "Any repair over $900 bucks ain't worth doing, so I don't know what they he...
The duo of Earl and Dale, aliens that are responsible for keeping Earth from destruction ala Horton Hears a Who, have reportedly lost funding from their government. Troubled economic times have spilled over to the universe leading several economis...
Tramp stamps are predicted to reduce STD's by 75% over the next 5 years thanks to a new barcoding system that can quickly pull up your new lover's STD history. The technology is still new, but the idea is spreading like herpes on a pirate ship.
Sean McGinn moved to the Tampa Bay area 6 months ago, leaving behind his Boston roots for some fun-in-the-sun. Locals cannot decide if they dislike his haircut or dumb accent worse. "Everything with this asshole is like; yo, that's wicked hardcor...
A revealing study today learned that pompous pricks that insist on wearing bow ties are at a 10 times greater risk of being labeled a douchebag. More than 250 people were asked their opinions about men wearing bow ties and the overwhelming respons...
The once mighty fists that pumped at the screen while Sean Hannity preached about the socialist government have turned to mild shoulder shrugs as Americans realize that there is nothing they can do about it. "I was so angry about the bailouts, the...
Pittsburgh Organic Water bottling company, H2 uh-oh, sells consumers on the idea of "fresh water." Critics and scientists say this product may be too fresh. The water is served in a clear bottle however the end product has a tannish brown color w...
Supermart shoppers were treated to some fantastic bargains this Black Friday, but they never expected to be around greatness. Hank Newburg was with his wife and admits to overeating on the Thanksgiving holiday. "I ate so much turkey and stuffin...
Chilean miner's should finally be rescued tomorrow after spending 69 days trapped below the surface. The miners relayed messages to the media, briefly stating that they have been able to survive because of each other, their faith and their new frien...
As the weather turns cooler and the leaves begin to change, the Center for Disease Control is getting progressively more concerned about the Bieber Fever. "What we're seeing is potential pandemic situation just as the flu season is approaching," s...
The latest Federal Reserve minutes included a topic which simply stated "Nervous Pricks" According to sources, the Fed is more concerned about a genital herpes flare up than inflation. The minutes reveal a comment from an anonymous party statin...
As activist's approached a Japanese whaling vessel, the crew was stunned at what they saw: Poor innocent kittens attached to commercial grade hooks to entice whales. "These whalers have really stepped over the line!" said an angry protester nam...
Jennifer Doogan had always looked at the glass as being half full, even in the most dire situation. Wednesday's events show that even the most positive people have a breaking point. Ladies and Gentlemen, America has officially eliminated the last o...
During their 6 week recess, Democratic and Republican leaders have agreed to form one Evil Empire Party that will take over this fall. "We just felt it was easier for the public to listen to one evil organization rather than have to pick one, whic...
Rosco Jennings has been told he is not smart since he was 5 years old. Now in his 30's Jennings faces ridicule from friends and family each day he uses his "smart phone" "Everyone always says, hey it's pretty ironic that an idiot like you is usin...
In a landmark ruling, the high court overturned the popular Whoever Smelt It Dealt It and has ruled in favor of the lesser popular Whoever Denied It Supplied It. Such a controversial ruling in an election year is almost unheard of and very unusual...
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