A five-star luxury hotel was under siege from an army of brainwashed animals for 72 hours. Hotel Amaze the premier locale of the ancient city of Mu was besieged by non-human mammals in the early hours of Thursday morning. Staff activated 'Home Inv...
In an effort to impress the animal rights campaigner who has moved in at the end of our street BATTL news has decided to pursue an animal rights story that has shocked us. The daily newspaper "The Sun" (it should be called "The Paper That Thinks It's Alright To Kill Small Insects") has instigated a new hateful competition in which it hires celebrities to attempt killing a fly using a variety of ob...
Representatives of the Pressure Group "People Against Animals" delivered a petition to Downing Street today demanding government action on animals making pointless, stupid noises. Group spokesman Johnny Parrot-Seed hit out at the animal kingdom aft...
Another brutal day at work. Another round of layoffs hit your firm so you grudgingly accept Fate's cruel hand and settle into the humdrum monotony of missed deadlines, angry emails, and screaming bosses. You finally arrive at your sanctuary: home, a bastion of refuge against the assaulting waves of crap called life. As you kick off your shoes, the glow of a portable screen plastered to the face of...
The elephant in the room has taken his own life. He was suffering from clinical depression. He was extremely self-conscious, thinking that he makes others uncomfortable. He was always confused about people's true feelings towards him and he never understood his own place in this world. Sometimes people ignored him and sometimes he was the talk of the room either way no one ever really saw him...
Have you ever met one of those annoying, self-righteous vegans who obviously considers himself morally superior to all other humans on the planet? If so, you might be encouraged to learn that the recently established Herbivore Assessment & Rating Program (HARP) is working to take those self-important vegans down a notch - by assessing precisely how "vegan" they really are. In calculating a...
What year is it? 2014 yes, but in China it is the year of the horse. Naming a year after an animal might seem ridiculous to us but it has been tradition there for centuries. So has eating the penis of endangered big cats and snorting crushed ivory cu...
Following the botched execution of death row inmate Clayton Lockett, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin announced that she will support legislation extending the Humane Slaughter Act, which has previously applied only to farm animals, to human prisoners.
During a panel discussion on climate change and environmental ethics at Columbia Law School, environmentalist Chuck Perry's compelling message of universal interconnectedness and the devastating effect of animal agriculture on the environment was unf...
Pet owners wanting to turn their pets into lookalikes of their favourite celebrities, a craze that began in Los Angeles, could be headed across the USA. Plastic surgery for dogs and cats is big business in Tinsel Town where pet owners are paying i...
Esther Montgomery Mellencamp says that her husband, Homer Cougar Mellencamp is a wild animal in bed at night. She told The Georgia Dudley Tribune, a small newspaper in a small town, that she didn't mind telling this to us by phone as all their nei...
PYONGYANG, North Korea - Kim Jong Un the leader of North Korea cannot believe how Sarah Palin is allowed to go around making all kinds of outlandishly unbased comments that no one, except for the members of her Tea Bag Party, cares about. He noted...
People for the Ever Troubling of Animals (PETA) has bestowed its prestigious Critter Benevolence and Guardian Award on venerable songster Willie Nelson. PETA President and CEO (Chief Emphatic Officer) Richard Itchy-Skinne noted the life-long dedic...
A newly launched non-profit organization established to advocate on behalf of animal farmers and confined animal feeding operations (CAFOs) encountered a bit of glitch in its inception: what to call itself that wouldn't immediately turn off consumers...
Middleton, Texas: Officers in West Texas who answered calls about a huge rat chasing people around the neighborhood at night are out watching to see if it shows up again. "I don't care how big the rat is, this old shotgun will blow that sucker aw...
OMAHA, NE - A zookeeper in Omaha, NE was recently placed on indefinite work suspension due to disciplinary measures he was caught taking with primate residents at a local zoo. "I felt that bobo, in particular, was being selfish, hoarding food, and...
Kenneth Feld, CEO of Feld Entertainment, the group that owns Ringling Bros. Circus, recently announced that Ringling Bros. will, effective immediately, exploit for trivial human entertainment fewer wild animals and more and more domesticated animals,...
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