Oklahoma Governor Agrees to Extend Humane Slaughter Act to Human Death Row Inmates

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 1 May 2014

image for Oklahoma Governor Agrees to Extend Humane Slaughter Act to Human Death Row Inmates
Like pigs, death row inmates in Oklahoma will now enjoy a humane slaughter experience.

Following the botched execution of death row inmate Clayton Lockett, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin announced that she will support legislation extending the Humane Slaughter Act, which has previously applied only to farm animals, to human prisoners.

The governor's statement came in the wake of criticism of the state's torturous execution of Clayton Lockett, bungled due to the use of sub-standard, untested lethal injection drugs.

Pressed for specifics, the governor stated that she will support legislation explicitly granting human death row inmates the same sort of "humane slaughter" rights now granted to cows, horses, swine, sheep, and mules (albeit not to turkeys, chickens, and ducks). Under the Humane Slaughter Act, death row inmates, like livestock, would have the right to be "rendered insensible to pain by a single blow or gunshot" or other "rapid and effective" means, rather than through the use of ineffectual pharmaceuticals.

Explained Governor Fallin, "Oklahoma's time-honored and effecient system of animal slaughter lends our state the necessary expertise to lead the nation in taking this next important step for the rights of human animals."

To this end, the governor vowed to do everything in her power to ensure that death row inmate Charles Warner, whose execution was temporarily stayed following Lockett's botched execution, enjoys a humane slaughter experience.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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