In an effort to impress the animal rights campaigner who has moved in at the end of our street BATTL news has decided to pursue an animal rights story that has shocked us. The daily newspaper "The Sun" (it should be called "The Paper That Thinks It's Alright To Kill Small Insects") has instigated a new hateful competition in which it hires celebrities to attempt killing a fly using a variety of objects.
The development of such a vile game is just symptomatic in a country that is riddled with animal cruelty like a sailor with syphilis. The celebrities taking part (in a desperate to boost their profile by killing a sentient creature) included "The Shredded Overlord" (you know the dude, he just got dumped by famous man beater Kelly Brook.
No we can't remember his real name. No we're not GOOGLING it, you fucking GOOGLE it if you care so much) we caught up with the insect killer after he finished filming his (what we're now calling" snuff film.
He was doing naked press-ups in a local park at the speed of light and didn't stop once during the interview.
So how does it feel to be a murderer of innocent insects for the amusement of a watching audience?
We've seen your video-
Oh that one? Look the girls were up for it at the time-
No the fly killing video.
Shit! Has that got out?
The Sun has posted them online. Their a vile tribute to the start of country wide insect-genocide
There's two of us.
We looked round and saw that we were in fact alone and now doubting if our second reporter is in fact a voice in our head we pressed on with the interview.
This isn't about us and our possible psychosis this is about you and murder!
Look dude (he noticed the look in our eyes and changed his sentence) dudes, I thought I'd got a job head butting fly's. That's all. I'm not out to upset PETA or annoy animal rights activists or even kill fly's if I don't have to. But works work.
We had to concede the point. We had once spent a week drinking paint to find out if it was toxic to people, apparently lab monkeys are to valuable for that sort of thing.
Guy's I know why you're doing this piece.
Of course. We're trying to root out cruelty to animals wherever we can-
No you're trying to impress a girl right?
Nothing of the sort-
I've read some of your pieces before. You've done things on the "Roundabout Appreciation Society", a fictional mud festival and a review on Becks beer. This sudden lurch towards animal activism stinks of lust I fear.
What if it does?
There's no need to lie to this girl and pretend that you give a dam about animals just tell her how you feel. Then you'll be able to find out if you're compatible. Also you'll need a set of these.
He posed for a moment displaying more guns that a US navy battleship.
Now go my friends, go to the gym and then go to her heart.
Without a suitable conclusion to our story we fled from the park and straight to a gym. Well we went to "The Gym" Weatherspoons pub