Pokémon: The Terrible Terrifying Truth

Funny story written by Michael Nanchanatt

Monday, 21 July 2014

Another brutal day at work. Another round of layoffs hit your firm so you grudgingly accept Fate's cruel hand and settle into the humdrum monotony of missed deadlines, angry emails, and screaming bosses. You finally arrive at your sanctuary: home, a bastion of refuge against the assaulting waves of crap called life. As you kick off your shoes, the glow of a portable screen plastered to the face of your child draws your attention. No doubt the new Pokémon game that you bought for Christmas; however, all thoughts of further investigation quickly evaporate from your mind as the thought of failed aspirations carry you into the cabinet. Little do you realize that at that very moment, your child's mind is being coerced into terrible, appalling, shadowy practices.

Thousands of kids play Pokémon each day without understanding the horrifying realities of such a fantasy world. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Pokémon, it is a game where the goal is to acquire every animal, or Pokémon, and become the best trainer in the world. While this description sounds innocent enough, the whole game is actually mired in a despicable world of anarchy and immorality. At face value, children are not able to comprehend such deep, subconscious messages, but a clear eye and a resolved frame can distinguish the pleasant, peaceful world for the hellhole it actually is.

Many might be very shocked and perhaps outraged. "Who is this man who would dare slander the name of my revered childhood", many might think. I assure you though, this is no ploy, and if you continue, soon you will come to realize the dangerous implications of my findings.

When travelling the world of Pokémon, an observant child may notice that with the exception of the Pokémon themselves, there are no animals. Now that child may not think anything of the thought, but that statement leads to a seemingly innocent question. What do the characters in Pokémon eat? The terrifying answer reveals one of two possible truths, both equally horrifying. Either, some Pokémon are killed for consumption, or the even more horrifying possibility, everyone… is a VEGETARIAN. And even if (gag reflex) everyone is a vegetarian, there are still the grass type Pokémon, destined to either become salad or be pimped out as a fighter.

The fighting is another perverse concept, which the makers of Pokémon have managed to mainstream, to children no less! While a child, playing the game may simply be intent on beating their rival and training, no thoughts ever spared for the poor, helpless Pokémon. The player goes around the natural habitat, the home, of these Pokémon in search of prizes. Hunting them down wherever they might hide, sometimes for sport, sometimes for capture. While the game makes a point of showing that the Pokémon do not die, after fights, the creatures are occasionally unconscious. This might sound like a benign point, but spend a moment to think about it. What happens to defenseless animals that are unconscious in the wild? There are some readers who might think, "But I never see unconscious animals in the wild". Yes…exactly. How might being left unprotected in a hostile environment without hope of help or shelter affect a creature? Without a means of protecting themselves, these Pokémon are open prey susceptible to the thousands of animals and hostile plants that manage to hide beneath the grass; despite of this, the player continues his rampage, remorselessly, complicity allowing the brutal murder of each creature that dare lose in a fight.

However, what might be more unconscionable than this murder is the barbaric capturing of these Pokémon. Obviously, these animals are not in agreement with their heartless capture when they fight back against the approach of the trainer and struggle to remain free of the ball. Nevertheless, the character, after senselessly beating an organism within an inch of its life, squeezes the prize into a miniscule ball that could not possibly fit the prey. Afterward, the player forces these same victims to fight for their new master, occasionally against their own people. The poor creatures are not even treated equally in captivity, with generally a few particular Pokémon receiving preferential treatment, and therefore more free air. The creators of Pokémon have circumvented the United States laws against animal fights like dog fighting by making a virtual world where such barbaric acts are legal and widespread.

Another concept that has received little notice by the public is the attempted discrediting of the theory of evolution. Whether the theory is correct or not is not under discussion here; however, the notion of evolution as presented in the game is a gross misrepresentation meant to coerce the ignorant masses into believing the theory could have no serious evidence. In science, evolution occurs over a long span of time, thousands of years at times, but in the game, it could occur by simply introducing a special stone. Such a demonstration, labelled "evolution", creates a generation that could not possibly believe in the insipid idea of evolution introduced in the game where a creature changes into something else just because it has beaten enough of its comrades or been near a rock.

Finally, the world of Pokémon, although appearing quaint and pleasant is actually lawless. An evil gang, Team Rocket, has monopolized on fringe science experiments involving Pokémon, in an attempt to create the cruelest, most efficient fighter. Such blatant genetic engineering stands unopposed, as there are no regulatory bodies to restrict their inhumane tampering. In order to fight back against the Team Rocket scourge, individual trainers, vigilantes, stop or hamper this corrupt organization's efforts. Their efforts undermine the work of law enforcement and give children the impression that the police cannot be trusted. Frequently, the player encounters Team Rocket and dispatches with the threat, along the way taking some kickbacks. Despite the perceived notion that the player merely wishes to become the best trainer, whenever the main character beats another opponent in battle, the loser must fork over his money out of fear of aggressive retaliation. The player is as terrible as Team Rocket, without even realizing the extent of his/her vice. At times, the competitor even disappears despite having just lost a battle to the player's brutally efficient death machines, and since there are never any occasions where the Pokémon themselves are fed, what happens to these opponents and their Pokémon after losing to hungry animals? A horrifying truth, unmentionable in print.

News of this nature is quite obviously distressing. The realization that treasured childhood memories were actually attempts to brainwash a generation into selfish, uncaring, monsters understandably triggers an immediate emotional response. Rapid convulsive vomiting, uncontrollable crying, severe depression, and even doubts on whether this is why your marriage failed are all common responses. However, through my research I have determined that any who found that this study provoked laugher, should seek help immediately. Only a successful brainwashing could have prompted outright ridicule of this article. As always, your loyal and faithful servant.

Bringing readers to the light since the Dark Ages

Michael Nanchanatt

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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