Quito - (Assange Ass Mess): "Plus all the gorgeous hot-assed sun-kisst Latinas you could ever shag!" was the gist of an excited Ecuador Justice Ministry negotiator's rant today. The offer to Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is said to include a Na...
Washington AC/DC - (Crude Stuff): The lifeblood drained from the collective testicles of the Obama entourage today as former NATO supreme commander Gen James Jones walked away from his National Security Adviser post. Scrotally depleted and shrive...
San Ramon - (Crude Mess): Years of murky shenanigans by BP's disgraced perjuring former CEO Lord Browne look set to rebound on the London-based supermajor. Exquisitely choreographed acts of espionage, insider dealing, dirty tricks and outright chi...
San Ramon, Ca - (Crude Mess): Blasting liquid nitrogen into the shattered Deepwater Horizon wellhead should do the trick Chevron's head of fractional distillation said today. The advice was issued as BP's efforts to stem the Deepwater Horizon leak...
Louisiana - (Crude Mess): Wingnut chums of the Amazon Offence Coalition are the top suspects in the sabotage of the Cypress Pipe Line. The Chevron and BP joint venture has resulted in the spillage of an estimated 18,000 gallons of crude, near the...
San Ramon - (Crude Mess): A leading US environmental science expert said this weekend that someone has created a 'dodgy dossier' out of his Ecuador pollution report in a deliberate bid to tamper with the evidence. Renowned US biologist Charles W C...
Quito - (UpStreamGal!): Thousands have flocked to La Catedral de Quito following reports that its iconic 16th century portrait of the Virgin Mary Maddona El Petroecuador is 'weeping tears of oil.' The painting began its lachrymose gush last year w...
Sydney - (Tossers): Anti-terror cops said today they had tracked a secret CD containing terrorist codes hiddden in the young upstart's luggage. The device contained an encrypted masterplan to crash a Chinese nuclear submarine into Chevron's massiv...
Western Australia - (Upstream): The permanent greening of 99% of Australian desert may no longer be a supermajor pipedream. This week San Ramon energy giant Chevron was keeping characteristically silent amid reports it is negotiating to build a st...
Guatemala - (Red Oktober): An Amazonbotch campaign to embezzle $27 billion from oil supermajor Chevron has bombed. The organization's principal source of revenue has suffered a serious blow with today's busting of a $200 million cocaine-carrying C...
Quito - (Classic Mossad Mess): Chevron-hoax Judge Juan Nunez has gone into hiding after being outed on the BigOilYouBoob! channel accepting a bribe. The hireling of Ecuadorian amateur ventriloquist President Rafaele Correa Judge Nunez was filmed d...
San Ramon, Ca - (Big Oil Mess): Wednesday spells Doomsday for Ecuadorean mobster conspirators Trillium Asshole Management in their sudden death shoot-out challenge at the Chevron AGM. The day's stupendous Jupiter-Neptune conjunction occurs at...
Quito - (AssoCIAted Mess): Up-and-coming Non-Aligned Crack Barons Association wannabe Rafael Correa has tested DNA positive as yet another bastard son of ex-President George W Bush. The 36 year-old former KGB smack dealer was secretly swabbed down...
Lago Agrio, Ecuador - (Poison Chalice Ass Mess): Juan Nunez, presiding judge in Ecuador's KGB-bankrolled $27 billion lawsuit against Chevron Corp, is not a happy bunny if the Big Oil grapevine is to be believed. Holed up in squalid, windowless, u...
L'Aquila, Italy - (Cosmic Big Oil Mess}: It wasn't Pope Joe Ratzinger's totally missionary position on condoms, Aids and Africa that has got up the Great Architect of the Universe's nose this week, prompting today's massive earthquake eruption in the...
Washington AC/DC - (BigOil Ass Mess): Newly appointed Obama Administration National Security Advisor General Jones is miffed. When he takes up his post in January there will be no boardroom dilemma at the Chevron Oil Corporation where he has been...
San Ramon, Ca - (Ass Mess): Chevron, the world's third largest hydrocarbons supermajor, has posted a $20 billion third-quarter profit and is poised to swoop on ConocoPhillips in a $500 billion merger to be announced in the New Year. 2008 profits a...
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